Falling in to a void...

He woke up with a heavy heart, mind full of questions afraid of getting lost in the space and not making out of the void...

I feel choked at times,

Thinking about where my life is leading to.

Anxiety and fear takes charge,

My mind refuses to wander now.

What is this phase that never ends,

What is this feeling that never goes away.

Fight! My heart says,

I'm tired, replies my soul.

There is always a feeling of isolation,

That always supersedes,

The feeling of joy.

Am I becoming a slave of time?

Or am I already one.

Often I feel caged, often I cry

For I am a free bird

Who wants to fly.

For I am not afraid of darkness

But the tunnel never ends.

Scars have become my mark,

Have befriended the pain and cries.

For I don’t want to run anymore.

Life shows a glimpse of the shining sun,

But dark clouds never leave my way.

“How much more?” I ask the universe,

“Till you can take it,” she replies.

Hold my hand and walk with me,

For I don’t want to be alone anymore.

“But you are not,” a voice echoes in to my ears

Time has beaten me down,

Every time I have tried to get up

My knees hurt now, muscle refuses to bear the pain.

Why I feel so miserable?

My soul fails to understand

Nights are cold, mornings are bright

But still I can’t feel anything

My mind is blocked, heart is numbed

For I maybe falling in to a void...

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The Wait...

Every morning when I wake up, I wait for the day when we will be together

There is fun in the wait, but kills you slowly from inside

Heart feels a pang whenever I have to bid you goodbye

Another day awaits, consoles my heart

But the longing never goes away, mind exclaims

Why does one have to wait? Asks my soul, every time I go to bed

For one has no clue, when that day will arrive

Or maybe, not arrive at all

Making the wait, even more difficult

For I can run through the waves and walk on the fire

I can melt the ice and burn the sun

But, I don't want to wait anymore

For distance is the only hurdle in our path

For our souls keep longing, to get lost in each other

But I will come one day 

For I can turn the world upside down, if needed

I can tear the sky and burn the water, if required

Wait by the sea shore, I will run through the sand and water...

Hold you in my arms and touch your lips gently 

While the sun, the sand, the sea will cease to exist

And while we will be drowned in the ocean of our love 

Our souls will find each other all over again...

https://positivethoughtsonlife.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/waiting-black-and-white.jpg

The light of my life...

You seemed like a dream a few days back, when our paths crossed. 

We bumped in to each other suddenly, are inseparable now. 

How can I explain you, what you mean to me?

No, I can't get moon and stars for you. For I am no superhuman. 

But I can give you love and happiness. For I am touched by your soul.

I can't get you gold and diamonds. For I am no rich. 

But I can write you songs and poems. For you have taught me the meaning of simple yet beautiful things.

Where the tunnel of darkness ends, you are the light of my life. 

The hope, the dream that is now keeping me alive.

Not a second passes, when I don't think about you. 

All I want, is to be with you.

I wish you were here, by my side. Or I was there, by your side. 

For place doesn't matter now, our companionship does.

They say, you lose the friend when love is born. 

But I want to remain both till the end of my life. 

They say, things changes over a period of time. 

But I want to keep our bond electric as ever till the end of my life.

My heart skips a beat, every time you are around. 

Your aura is enticing, I want to die in your vicinity.

Hold my hand and take me along. Wherever the path would lead us to, 

I will be there all along.

Through those tough times and rough tides, I will sail along. 

Through the storm and rain, I will walk along. 

Never leave my hand, for I have surrendered myself to you...

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And, I started walking again...

Today, after a long day at work when I came home; I watched a movie – ‘Pele Birth of a Legend’ and I realized something. Not that only how the legend turned the style of playing football but most importantly how it is important to believe in ourselves.

And when we do believe in ourselves then we make history. I have been fighting a battle within myself from a long time. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped embracing the quality that makes me different from others and started doing what I was asked to do. I stopped writing for myself.

I have been giving excuses not only to myself but also to the people who love to read my blog that how I am not able to balance between work and writing.

The truth is, I cannot live a day without scribbling anything. And I realise why I have been feeling so lost lately. Because I have stopped embracing and enjoying what I love to do the most.

Not long ago I gave a direction to my life but a feeling of suffocation started trapping me inside the walls of my mind. The chain of thoughts that flowed smoothly once, now had difficulty to even flicker. I started muddling with it.

Perhaps, sometimes all you need is some inspiration and I have been looking for one since a long time. It is true the world does not work the way you want it to be. Things are not black and white. There are grey areas which dominate the world. But then we need to understand that unless we do not embrace the quality that makes us different from the world we are not going to make a difference.

102 sportsperson took part in the most precious event of the world at Rio Olympics and I was disgusted how the people of our country started accusing the players after they couldn’t bag a lot of medals. We started comparing it with other countries and how we have failed as a nation to make a difference at the global event.

But why we forget that at the time when these players needed our support the most we kept blaming them for not meeting our expectations. Why we always fail to believe in ourselves and start doing what the rest of the world is doing.

The movie is based on the journey of Pele but it also explains beautifully how the lost tradition of Ginga helped them to make a difference at a time when they were in the middle of a worst phase. There is a sequence in the movie when Pele’s father is dropping him at the bus station before the world cup and explains the importance of believing in oneself. And how important it is to enjoy whatever you are doing.

You may not win every time and it is important to fail because what failure teaches you, success never will. But when you fail, you rise. You emerge from the darkness and shine like a bright sun. So bright that the world shares your light and help to emerge from their dark phase.

There are numerous things which keeps us holding back from taking a step further and also many of us are afraid to take a risk. To fall. To gamble. Because we have a habit of living a secured life and we don’t want to get out of our comfort zone.

But when we manage to get out of our comfort zone, the possibility of winning is more because at that point of time there isn’t anything holding you back. You always give your best possible shot. Even somehow if you fail, you know that you have given your best.

Someone once told me, whenever in doubt just start walking and soon you will realise which way you have to go, which route you must take and keep walking until you find your own path. Life is short and time is running way too fast. I can’t even imagine how quickly this year has gone by and 2017 is only a few months away.

There are times when I am so scared that what if I am not able to do things that I want to do. But then I start walking again and I find my path again.

But there I was from past so many months not willing to take that extra walk and not ready to let go of things that I must. Today, when I am writing there is this immense pleasure and satisfaction. I am not holding anything back while pouring out my heart here even if I may not make any sense. I am enjoying this feeling of to be able to do what I love to do the most, again. I am writing for myself.

My friends from college always believed that I may not become an engineer but I would do something meaningful with my writing skill. And I still remember the day I told them about the new part of my life, I could see the grin on their face and happiness in their eyes. I knew it, I was on the right path.

Nothing wrong has happened since I got here in Delhi. I have been doing well. But it pinched me every day whenever I felt the urge to jot down what was going in my head but couldn’t. With time, I started getting used to it. Instead of working towards it, I stated ignoring it. And that was the reason why I felt lost at times, I was not myself for quite some time. Maybe, isolated myself for a while to figure out what the heck was wrong with me.

But then there was nothing wrong. I just stopped embracing the little moments of life that used to make me happy. And I was missing this.

Don’t be afraid if you are not like anyone else because you are someone. It is great to be different. And you will win someday. And in this hope, I have started walking again, holding on to what I have and hoping that someday I will find my path, again.  

source: https://c.fastcompany.net/multisite_files/fastcompany/imagecache/1280/poster/2014/08/3035004-poster-p-1-how-taking-a-20-minute-walk-every-day-transformed-my-approach-to-work.jpg

Through the rough sea and tough times...

We have survived storms when we were sure we won’t be able to. We have overcome our fears when we knew it was impossible. We have come really far but still there are times when we lose the grip over our consciousness and feel trapped by the rationality of life. We live in a fear of not being able to conquer our dreams and getting lost in the crowd is the worst fear for people who love to conquer heights.

I have been going through a similar phase. There was a time when my life was leading nowhere and at that point of time I mustered all the courage to give it a direction. Obviously that required a lot of fighting with the loved ones, even few sacrifices but I succeeded in getting where I aspired to be.

In past few months, certain things have come up in my life and I am tired of fighting my own demons now. It is true I have chosen this life but life can be demanding at times. 

And when you are not able to fulfill the demands it starts taking a toll on you.

My life has been dramatic and filled with adventures. But lately, I have been missing out on a lot of things and when my life turns plain and boring it irritates the crap out of me. I don’t like plain stuffs, being a chef myself I love varieties and when life becomes boring you need to do something about it.

I have stopped updating my blog as I am not able to balance my work and life at the same time. When I return home I am always tired and the exhaustion never allows me to sit in front of my laptop and type. But then somehow when I will manage to sit, I am often short of words.

I am afraid what if I stop doing what I love and become like everyone else. I don’t want to spend a life chasing something aimlessly. I want more from life. Life has offered me so many things till now but now it has become stagnant. I hate being stagnant. I am like a river which changes its stream from time to time but never ever comes to a halt and in the end it meets the sea and the sea connects to the ocean. Maybe when I reach the ocean I will be stagnant and that would be the end of my life…

Living a life in a fear is as bad as knowing the path but not travelling through the rough patches. It is like you know you will fall and you are afraid to fall. But how can you forget that you have fallen hell lot of times in your past and every time you did, you picked yourself up. You dusted your clothes and started running again.

I have done this throughout my life. But now I am scared of falling…

Source: https://media.npr.org/assets/img/2014/05/22/final_what_we_fear_artwork_wide-78d18fd2b932b4af374a239e53e3afac7498338f.jpg?s=1400

When Death Comes...

When death comes,

People are wrapped with fear.

I am never welcomed,

Like how life is honored.

Death comes to all,

Some day it would take us away.

Seldom we try to live each moment, 

And then blame it all to god.

Come with me, 

Lie on your death bed.

Don't complain now,

Just smile on your fate.

You lived a complete life, 

Enjoyed every aspect.

Don't regret now, 

It will all come to an end.

Memories may flash in front of your eyes,

You learned to accept the dark reality of life.

Soon this will all end,

And you would begin all over again.

You boomed through those pleasures

Fought with the disappointments

Now shake hand with me

I am the master of your death.

You came alone,

I gave you a family.

You earned friends,

Life surprised you always.

You didn't lose any battle,

Just fell a few times.

You were a winner always,

That's why you were here.

People will remember you,

For the impact you are leaving.

World will wait for you,

For the braveheart you were.

Close your eyes now,

And fall asleep.

I will walk you through this pain,

You won't suffer much.

For I am the master of your world,

I would never betray you...

Lost a Pearl...

My eyes search for you,

Heart longs to hear your voice.

I lost a pearl,

In the strong waves of life.

I tried sailing through the storm

But couldn't hold on to it,

My ship wrecked in the middle

And I lost my gem.

Somehow I swam across the sea

 And reached the shore.

Hoping we would meet,

Was my only thought.

My eyes searched for you

But couldn't find you anywhere.

I was left alone,

Crying in the hot sun.

Nights were long,

Mornings were hollow.

You never turned around to look back,

I was still waiting for you.

You are somewhere far away from me now,

My eyes still search for you,

Heart longs to hear your voice again.

One mistake could prove so rough,

Never knew when our relation turned so tough.

I tried forgetting you

But couldn't,

I tried remembering u,

It hurt.

Befriended my pain I moved on,

Losing the battle I turned rough.

Things were never the same as it was before,

My eyes still search for you,

Heart longs to hear your voice again.

What will Santa gift me this Christmas?

There has been this myth always in our world that Santa Claus will come and bring happiness in your life. And it has lived for centuries now. Children still ask their parents every Christmas what will Santa gift them? They write letter to Santa, telling them about their life, sharing their little secrets and giving their wish list. There are few people who actually become Santa every Christmas to bring smile on the faces of many people. That is a noble gesture actually, if you make someone happy it fills your heart with immense happiness.

I keep asking myself this question every Christmas, what will Santa gift me? Till now I haven’t received anything.  This Christmas I don’t know why but I am hoping I might get something. Keeping fingers crossed!!!

Christmas is one festival which has its own flavour. Lights, decoration, cakes and wine.  People buy stuffs, decorate their Christmas tree, buy their children gifts and have a good time with friends and family. They don’t celebrate because it’s a festival. They celebrate because they get to spend time with their close ones. I like that part...

I hope this Christmas, Santa gifts me something too. I have been waiting since I was a kid. I am not a religious guy, I don’t believe in many things. I go to church not because I believe in Christianity. I go to church because I get peace of mind which I don’t get in temples. Holy place are meant to be quiet and calm. But the idea of holiness is very different in Hindu religion. Seriously!!!

I don’t want to offend any religion, people have their own beliefs and it is ridiculous to judge anyone’s belief. People do that more often now. They should not. If you don’t believe in something that doesn’t mean others would do the same thing. Point to be noted...

Just a thought crossed my mind this world is reaching its saturation point. Religion has been mixed with terrorism, belief is combined with materialism, faith is dying day by day and humanity is losing its battle every day. Sad but true...

We make resolutions every year but seldom do we fulfil them. Then why make such promises when you know you cannot do justice with them. That is the reason I don’t make any resolutions. True that!!!

If you really want to do something, try to become a good human being. The rest will all fall in its right place. I am not kidding!!!

I am writing after months and I know I am not making any sense. But do we have to make some sense all the time. Sometimes it is fine to just scribble something and don’t make any sense out of it. Try it sometime...

Earlier when I use to write, I was always in pain. I use to channelize my negative thoughts into something positive. And it use to help. Trust me it does!!!

But now things are quite different. I am living my dream. I am happy. And I don’t know how to share this happiness. How to describe the essence of this feeling? How to put it in a right way? Moreover, I return to my home quite late and all I do after coming back from work is sleep. Feel good factor!!!

So today I thought let me write something which might not make any sense and see how it goes. Why I am saying that I am not making any sense because I started with Christmas, talked about the dreams of children, touched upon religion and terrorism, New Year resolution and then came back to my life. And I managed to complete the cycle...

Wish you all Merry Christmas!!!

Hope Santa brings lots of happiness in your life and I expect you to share it with others. Sharing is caring...

I pray that you succeed in your life and I hope that this Christmas you actually bring smile to many faces. There are people out there who are not as lucky as we are. Try to do something for them. You may not try and change the world but a little contribution from you might give happiness to many.

Keep believing, stay safe and be happy.

   

Lone Wanderer…

It was dark. I checked my watch; it said 8:30pm. It wasn’t that late, I reflected. But here I was, miles away from home in Himachal Pradesh and I had missed the last bus to Dharamsala from Bhagsu Nag Mountains. The roads were steep and several kilometers away from my hotel. A thought crept in my mind of spending the night outside but I had to let it go as it was getting too cold out here.

My friend Saswat sat down on a bench, held his head and let out a sigh of relief. I asked few cab drivers to drop us, overpriced they were. They tried taking advantage out of our helplessness, thinking we would give in and pay him how much ever he asks for.

“What you want to do?” I asked Saswat

“I don’t know. We can look for a hotel here.” He said

“It will be too expensive here.” I said and then a crazy thought crossed my mind, a weird smile came on my face.

“Let’s walk”

I said and started walking. I am sure anyone else would have been there in his place would have dismissed this crazy thought of walking down these slopes. But there was a guy who wanted to have some adventure and was a partner in my crimes.

We had backpacks stuffed with clothes, laptops and camera. It weighed at least 10 kgs. We had no water on us. The road was dark, no lights to guide us. On one side there was dense forest, mountains on the other side of the road. We had no clue where the road ends. One wrong step and we would have fallen deep down. But we kept on walking, kept on talking.  

Not even a living soul was there, the road was deserted. All one could see from thousands meters above sea level was lights coming from the city. It looked amazingly beautiful. As if I was in space and the city looked like stars twinkling bright on a dark night. Every time we kept looking back, realizing we have walked down so much gave us a great feeling of conquering our inner desires.

We crossed St. Johns Church, the graveyard. A thought crossed my mind to spend some time at the graveyard but I dismissed it immediately. Not that I was scared but there was point in jeopardizing our safety for this. The road that led to the graveyard was uneven and even a slight mistake would take our life, as it is at a good height.

The stretch from Bhagsu Nag Mountains to Dharamsala is 15kms. In between for 5-6 km there is a military base. We were caught by army officers, they kept asking weird questions. I showed them my press card and immediately there was a change in their expression and tone. They offered us lift to our hotel. We decided to walk and finish the journey we had set for us. Moreover I don’t want someone to help me out just because I belong from Media fraternity.

We kept talking about useless stuffs, talked about weirdest things we had done in past, we sang, we even danced in the middle of highway. I had never done that. While I was walking suddenly this thought crept in mind, maybe this moment would never come back and I might regret that I couldn’t dance then. I always had this weird thing in mind to do; I wanted to dance on the middle of a highway. And the very next moment I started dancing. People who know me, they know that I don’t dance at all. I always shy away from dancing in front of people. I get conscious and then I can’t dance.

But there I was, in some unknown place on a highway dancing like crazy. There are certain things in life which I have to do and doesn’t matter how crazy or stupid it might be, I have to do it. Life has blessed me with what I asked for. There is nothing much asks from my life. I am doing things that I wanted to do. Plan a trip somewhere and explore the places, food, drink and stuffs that make those places special.

Travel excites me. There are people who think I am crazy. But whenever I get a chance to travel, I love to do. Last vacation I just took my bag and went to Varanasi to cover Durga Puja. Even there I had my part of adventure. This time also I decided to come here. Amidst the mountains and chilly weather, it’s fun. People usually prefer going back to their home in vacations, I prefer exploring new places. Not that I don’t like going back to home, but travelling is more important for me.

I wanted to do this. I don’t know whether this was adventurous or not, for me it’s more than that. I realized one thing about myself. I may get tired doing things that I don’t want to do. But when it comes to doing things that I love to do I never get tired. While I kept walking down enthusiastically, I could feel the adrenaline rush in my body.

For many, it is just a trip to a new place. For me it is something else, something that I cannot define in words. Something that I feel only at that particular moment when I am experiencing the thrill. For many more such adventures to come and many places to be explored, I will see you on the other side soon. 

Enlightened by the experience…

Varanasi or Banaras (Benares) - the holy city of Ganga, still has the smell of ancient times. It is the major tourist spot in India, which contributes the most, in terms of economy. The city has everything one asks for, good food, great places to visit, quite friendly and diverse environment with a mixture of different climatic conditions.

Roads are always clogged with people, guides trying to sell you a lemon and people from all sort of background come together here. The beautiful Ghats of Varanasi among the other tourist spots is one of the major attractions, especially the evening Ganga Aarti. It wraps up the entire city in its divine feeling.

Ganga Arti in Varanasi

The city has a great history. India has been ruled by many rulers; every one of them tried to set up their establishment at Benares (then), but failed to do so. Not only history but also in the Hindu mythological stories it plays an important role. This everyone knows or must have read in books or on internet and many of you must have noticed while visiting this city.

When I was Delhi, a week ago, the day I decided to go Varanasi to cover the festival, since then my excitement knew no limits. The fact that I love to travel and this was the first time, I was supposed to travel as a journalist, instilled loads of excitement in me. I had a backpack and a DSLR camera, while travelling one should always prefer carrying light luggage. I reached Varanasi on 27^th September 2014 at around 3 am. The ticket was not confirmed and so I couldn’t sleep the entire night and I had loads of work waiting for me in Varanasi.

I realized the very first day that it is not easy at all. It may sound easy but when you are actually on the field, it is tough. First of all, you know nothing about the place, doesn’t matter what research you have done on internet, it never helps. To a certain extent from tourist’s point of view information over internet would help. But as a journalist, you need to be realistic.

People don’t want to talk about serious stuff, they are not even bothered about the problems, they only complain. Police would say, everything is peaceful here, Government officials would pretend as if they are quite busy and the aam janta won’t talk. Every now and then you will be fooled by someone; you will be always given wrong address. You will have no other option than to trust that person. I was fooled four times in a day.

The problem is when people come to know that you are from outside and you are trying to look into their matter, many don’t like it. They would rather prefer their city journalist than someone from outside, doesn’t matter what you are trying to do.

Although it is amusing when you don’t know anything about the place and you end up finding things that you never expected to find out, it gives you a moral boost. I was there for five days; I use to go out every morning around 8 am and come back by 11 pm. I worked nearly fourteen hours a day to explore the city and more than that the stories which was buried deep.

It’s been 80 days as a journalist, and I can see that I am developing an eye for stories. When I joined, I remember how everyone used to tell us, as you move ahead in this profession; you develop an eye for stories. Whatever I was told is coming in use now, before reaching the spot I am arranging the notes so that I ask direct questions to people and don’t lose focus from the story. It is very important to know the right questions that you want to ask. Cross-checking information is the most important. The good part is whenever I come across any information, I always cross-check it.

Idol of Durga at Dashashwamedh Ghat

It feels good at the end of the day when I come back to my room, I know that, I have worked hard and I deserve a sound sleep. It feels good to know that these small-small aspects which we were told in start are coming automatically to me now, when I am at the spot it just comes to me and I do that. Later on, I realize that I was actually doing that.

In five days I managed to cover almost 80% of Varanasi and I have some idea now about the city. The day when I reached here, I had no clue how I am going to cover the city. I was afraid whether I will be able to follow my brief or not. I got really frustrated the first day itself after roaming around the whole day in the hot sun, I felt that I took a bad decision and this is not my cup of tea. But now it feels like I am able to do justice with my brief.

After spending five days in Varanasi, I went to Patna my hometown which is hardly 4 hours from there to cover Dussera. Fortunately or unfortunately I got to cover a stampede followed by a riot on the last day of the festival. As a journalist, they say it’s fortunate to be there in such situation. This has journalism done to me now. Although it was a sad day for the city, several people lost their live deep down somewhere there was a feeling of I don’t know what but whatever it was, it felt good to be able to cover the catastrophe.