Falling into the darkness…

It is close to midnight, he is sitting on his bed quietly and looking at the clock ticking and his heart is waiting anxiously, when the minute hand will move and begin a new day. There is an eerie silence everywhere, even the distant barks of dogs doesn’t affect him today.

It’s been ten days now, since he has been feeling this way but he has no clue, what to do about it. He has been trying to embrace his darkness but every night he is scared, he is not able to sleep. He feels suffocated as if someone is trying to choke him to death but not killing him actually.

It is the feeling of suffering that envelopes him every night, it is the feeling of loneliness that holds him tightly into its clutches and it is the feeling of self-destruction that makes him feel scared from his own shadow.

He feels what if the darkness within him comes out and shatters every dream, and destroy him completely. What if the negativity that has recently surrounded him will leave him with no friends and no one to love him? What if the shade he is under will destroy him forever?

“I have already lost my innocence long back,” he reflects. He is sitting with his leg folded, his head aches. It feels as if it is going to burst, someone is hammering it from inside. “I was once a happy kid,” he tells himself.

“Then what happened?” he hears a voice coming from a distance. He gets up and checks his balcony but there is no one. “It is in my head,” he says as he lay down on his bed. He has left the door to balcony open for some air, it is suffocating in here.

It is past midnight now and another scary night awaits for him as sleep is a far-fetched dream now. But why suddenly he has started feeling this way? Why his heart is heavy all the time? Why his head aches? And there is so much of negativity. He switches off the light as the characters of his book appears in his room.

This is not the first time, he is seeing things so he is not surprised but he is trying to deviate his mind by thinking about some other thing. But he is not thinking about them either then why they are here every night.

“Because we are here to remind you that you need to burst the bubble you are living in and accept the reality,” says Rehan, sitting by the side of balcony.

“I am not living in any bubble,” he says in his mind and distracts himself by playing some music in his phone.

“You are not going to be happy ever in your life. Since your childhood you have been sad and you will be sad forever. Happiness is your illusion and if you don’t come out of that illusion then you will destroy yourself and destroy everyone around you,” Rehan says.

He is feeling really weak and scared. He is trying to ignore what Rehan is saying but it is in his head. He dials her number, it rings three times and no one picks up. He dials her number again, it rings three times and no one picks up.

“Remember, I tried plenty of times and no one picked my call either and that is why I am like a grumpy soul which you will turn into too because I am the imagination of your head. Somewhere, I reside within you,” Rehan smirks.

He leaves few messages for her. And dials her number again. He wished if she was here then he would never feel this scared. Because when she is around him, he feels secured and safe in her arms. But she is asleep.

“There is still some time, you can save yourself from sufferings,” Rehan says and disappears.

His heart is really heavy, he feels like crying. He keeps his phone aside and tries to sleep. He close his eyes and he hears Arpita’s voice.

“Don’t worry and don’t listen to Rehan. He is only trying to play with your mind. She is sleeping that is why she is not picking up your call. Don’t worry and don’t think about anything. I know you are not even thinking anything of that sort but don’t listen to Rehan. You deserve to be happy and soon this will be over,” Arpita says to him stroking his hair.

He picks up his phone again and starts typing. He wants to tell her what is happening with him. He is not angry with her. He is only missing her. He is worried about his peace of mind. She was tired that’s why she fell asleep, and actually she has no clue what is going on in his head.

“Yes. She doesn’t know because you haven’t told her anything. You haven’t told her clearly what is disturbing you and I understand why you haven’t told her. She is already too occupied and you don’t want her to burden her. But tell her,” Arpita says.

He is typing everything that he is feeling and he is also hating himself for doing this, because he is worried when she will wake up in the morning she will be ambushed with so many messages and so many calls. And she will blame herself for falling asleep and not being there with him.

“But if you don’t tell her, you will die every day slowly and maybe Rehan will succeed in playing with your mind,” Arpita says.

“But I created both of you from my imagination. Then why you guys are trying to overpower me? What wrong did I do?” He screams as a lone tear rolls down from his eyes and there is no one around. He switches on the light and stand in the balcony. His head is getting really heavy and he feels as if he is going mad.

“I should sleep before I imagine more and go mad,” he says to himself and comes back to his room. He tries to close his eyes and sleep but it is coming back all over again. He picks up his phone and dials her number again. She isn’t picking up. He keeps trying. He types down what he is feeling. But he is feeling really sad, and cold and it feels as if he is going to suffer and he is never going to be happy in his life. He feels everyone is going to leave him and he will left alone, no one would like to talk to him and he is also afraid. If he continues to see things and listen to what they have to say then one day the world is going to label him as mad and everything he has made and earned would be gone in a stroke of a single second.

“But why I am feeling still so heavy after completing the saga?” he says.

Source: http://img05.deviantart.net/20cd/i/2013/338/b/5/drowning_by_kevron2001-d6wps8z.jpg

The Infinite Me!!!

There are times which changes the dynamics of your life. Maybe at that moment, you would have taken it like any other casual greetings but gradually you saw yourself getting into the moment. You witnessed how miraculously the mystery unfolded right in front of your naked eyes and all you could do was smile at your luck.

But why luck? Why we always blame luck for our miseries? Or always compliment luck after succeeding in doing something. Or is it that you happened to do certain thing because you thought luck was on your side else you couldn’t have reached far? So who is this luck? Is he or she? Has anyone ever seen him? Does he hang around the tea stall near every office where people keep cursing him for the job they have or does she appear like a mystic beauty suddenly out of the blue and people burst out in joy in the astonishment of their “luck”.

I know you must be thinking is he high or what rubbish he is talking about. We humans have this tendency of linking everything to something and drawing our own conclusions based upon the scientific calculation that goes in everyone’s head. 

You failed in exam because you were unlucky to miss the question you thought you should study but left it thinking it won’t come. You secured good marks in your exam because you were lucky that questions you studied came in your exam. These are a few instances from our day to day life and if you try to reflect upon it, you would notice that maybe we all are missing the bigger picture, maybe the bigger question or the larger significance of unfolding of events that always leave us dumbstruck.

Can it be other way round? I mean, I don’t understand the language when people say that things happened in the way it had to because everything is written by someone who holds our destiny and who runs our world.

What if there is no one sitting up there, there is no one to make plans for us or write our future? Maybe whatever happens is only the outcome of perfectly balanced infinite string of multiverse. What if there are infinite possibilities of our single life and anytime anything changes in the parallel universe, it has its effect on us here.

I know I cannot prove anything. But can you prove someone is writing your future? I guess no.

For instance, maybe there are infinite me in the parallel universes and anytime one among the infinite me makes a decision, it reflects on all the me and that is why we make certain decisions in life out of nowhere and somewhere those decisions either make us or break us.

There are times when we look at someone and feel as if I know them already. Even if I am talking to them for the first time in my life, I will feel as if I know them from a long time. And then we humans who are good in doing what we do best, we tell people that perhaps you met this person in your previous life and that is how you feel the connection. Wow, so enigmatic!

What if I say maybe that person you just met, you know them from a little while in parallel universe and because you met them in a parallel universe, it took some time to make that change in your life in this universe and somehow knowingly or unknowingly you bumped into that person and suddenly you felt you know them because you actually know them.

Obviously, you wouldn’t know the intricate details about that person. You wouldn’t know what they like to eat or drink or wear but there is a strong vibe that tells you about the person and whether or not you would like to meet them or talk with them again. And if in the parallel universe you mean something to that person, you will realise the bonding between the two of you is spectacular. Maybe things don’t work out between couples because they are not in sync with the infinite string of multiverses and to avoid that glitch which may impact the rest of you in the multiverses, the relation breaks and once again, you are on your way to bump into the one for you.

I know people can say I am not making sense and it is fine. Because I believe in something but not necessary that everyone should believe in it.

Source: http://s.hswstatic.com/gif/what-is-multiverse-1-orig-1.jpg

A home away from home...

A decade has passed by,

Still feels like yesterday,

When I grabbed my bag,

And wandered into the unknown.

Though every single day,

I thought about you;

Though never expressed,

The feelings suppressed inside.

The color of festivals,

Bring back those memories,

Still fresh and vivid in my mind,

Like it was yesterday.

The days when my dad's voice,

Used to wake me up,

And scolding from mom,

For staying awake till late.

When a week before,

Preparations used to start,

When we were always ready,

To strike a war.

Pockets filled with color packets,

Hand holding our gun.

Dodging every single splash of water,

That came our way,

Nudging people to make way through,

To the den of our friends.

Holi was only a reason,

To celebrate the togetherness...

Shirts were torn but not a single scratch,

Faces were colored yet no respite,

Unless we were satisfied coloring our small world,

There was no going back.

Once back at home,

We were welcomed with a plate of delicacies;

Pua and chicken used to be my favourite.

But wash your hand before you pick,

Were my mom's favorite line,

I have missed a lot lately,

Realised my mind.

When the entire house,

Used to be filled with the fragrance of delicacies,

We used to pick and choose,

Used to feel like a royal feast.

When washing away the colors,

Used to be a pain,

But make sure you look normal,

Used to be the game.

Evenings were serene and beautiful,

As we were welcomed everywhere.

Holi was the reason,

We were allowed to stay outside till late,

With nothing to do,

But hang out with a bunch of friends.

Now things are different,

But heart longs to revisit those lanes again.

I get up and make my own coffee,

With no one to wake me up,

I can stay out whole night,

But no one will ask me,

I can eat with dirty hands,

And no one will scold me,

It is Holi today,

Then why doesn't it feel like,

My pockets aren't full of colors,

Neither I have my gun.

I will wake up on the day,

And cook my own food,

There is no one hiding in a den,

To paint them with color.

A decade that I have spent,

Without you my home,

I miss you every single day,

I wish I come back soon...

Source: https://www.zoomcar.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/1.jpeg

The burdened soul...

Source: https://www.makewav.es/post/388671/title/lostintheforest

I wake up every morning,
And a feeling of anxiety wraps me.
Looks like I have reached a dead end,
Gloomy nights and blurry mornings awaits,
A feeling of being caged resides.

When I look back,
I know I have survived the stormy nights,
And smiled through the dark clouds.
I know I have sailed through the rough tide,
And swam endless miles,
To reach the sea shore.

But the way forward is invisible,
And my soul paralyses.
With the thought of getting lost,
Or spending an entire lifetime,
On the only island.

My boat is wrecked,
And oars are missing,
And no ship in sight,
I lit the bonfire,
And keep myself warm.

I have befriended my solitude here,
And talk with myself.
To get over the feeling of being isolated,
I eat leaves and fruits,
And use its juice,
To heal my wounds.

The world has forgotten me,
And no come here to check on me.
Why no one ask where have I disappeared,
Why no one tries to find my lost soul,
Do I have to live like this forever?
My heart keeps asking me.

I am haunted by nightmares,
And stay awake in fear.
What if I become a prey?
For the vultures will feast on my dead body,
Or wild animals will find me somewhere,
Why I have to keep running?

My soul is burdened,
And heart is heavy.
Mind is numb,
And the forest is dark,
When will I find light,
And when the night will end...

source: http://theartmad.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Dark-Forest-11.jpg

Voyage through the sea of flames…

My life in past three years has changed drastically and dramatically. Three years ago, on this day I was in Chennai surviving each night and knocking at the doors of several IT companies to get a job. My life seemed clueless then and had no idea where it would go after the end of my college.

Three years ago, I spent my birthday clearing several rounds only to get rejected in the end during the placement drive. I returned quite late and had no intentions of celebrating my birthday. I was amid a storm and after getting rejected on the most special day of my life, I lost all my hopes. I cried entire night silently, sitting at one corner and thinking how will I make something out of my life when nothing is going in my favour. Who knew it was a beginning of something new, fresh and something which is going to change the dynamics of my life.

A few months down the line, I found myself in Delhi among aspiring journalists. After a lot of convincing, fighting and pleading to my parents, I was given one last opportunity to fight the battle again. But the only difference was, I was allowed to take the road "not taken" by anyone I knew in my family. I was allowed to carve my own path.

Three years later, when I look back I feel generous to all the rejections and failures that came in to my life only to make me stronger. I haven't conquered the world yet, not that I have become famous but gradually I am making my place in the world of journalism.

The storm had hit me hard not once, not twice but twenty consecutive times back to back. I faced twenty back to back rejections during the placement drive back in engineering college because I had low grades. It was true, I didn't belong there.

I cursed my life every day for blocking my path everytime. Who knew the universe was busy making other plans for me. And who knew I would change my stream from engineering to journalism.

With this, I will also complete two years as a correspondent for the largest newspaper of India. However, this is only the beginning.

I have found my path, now I only need to carve it to reach where I want to see myself. I remember the time when I realised that all I wanted to do in my life is travel and find those beautiful stories and pen it down so that the world lives it through my eyes. I am reaching closer to it. Gradually. I am getting there.

And with this, I wish my life witnesses another beginning in the literary world - where I am trying to establish myself as a writer.

The beauty of struggle is that it makes you humble. With every failure coming in your way, gradually you will start embracing your failures and channelizing the negative energy in to making something positive out of your life.

I was once a short tempered guy. I remember almost every other day at school I would get in to a fight and obviously being the skinny guy I was most of the time I used to get beaten up. But I never stopped fighting. But gradually things changed and with every struggle I learnt to control my temper. I would become quiet whenever I was angry and it helped me not only to control but I started observing things.

I would be found always in a corner, observing people from a distance and gradually it helped me to express myself through writing. On a piece of paper I would pour out my heart and it felt really good, deep within.

I felt as if I got wings. And I enjoyed being in the vicinity of my solitude and jotting down every emotions I was going through. And this gave birth to a writer inside me, which always wanted to come out. But I was scared. And kept it inside the prison of my mind until one day when I felt really broken and weak and I started this blog in 2010 and there was no looking back.

In past two years, I have been irregular in updating my blogs and I realised when I received several fan mails, messages from friends, family and peers to keep updating my blog. I am trying every day to do write something but it gets really difficult to balance both work and blog at the same time.

And during this three year journey, many left and few came in to my life. And someone, who is the special one, arrived suddenly and made my life beautiful. Took me out of the blockade I was going through, taught me to get back on my feet dust myself and continue to write until I finish the unfinished task.

With a promise to keep marching forward and continue my fight, I rest my fingers now.

"Happy birthday to me."

Why won't you let me in?

I don't ask for more,

But just to be there,

By your side.

When the sun shines,

And the moon appears,

When the wind blows,

And the clouds turn dark.

When the tide is rough,

And ship wrecks in between.

I am sorry, if I cannot understand you,

But help me understand.

I know things are not in your favor,

But wait for the dark clouds to get clear.

For I know the path is not easy to walk,

But wait till you reach the destination.

For life is full of hurdles,

It's the loved ones you can count for,

To be around in the bad times and good,

Because they want to always be there.

Because you are that lovely,

I cannot ignore your problems,

For I love you too much,

But I am sorry if I have annoyed you.

For I didn't want to do it,

But let me in, for its too cold out here!

http://stunnedbygrief.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/stairs.jpg

Falling in to a void...

He woke up with a heavy heart, mind full of questions afraid of getting lost in the space and not making out of the void...

I feel choked at times,

Thinking about where my life is leading to.

Anxiety and fear takes charge,

My mind refuses to wander now.

What is this phase that never ends,

What is this feeling that never goes away.

Fight! My heart says,

I'm tired, replies my soul.

There is always a feeling of isolation,

That always supersedes,

The feeling of joy.

Am I becoming a slave of time?

Or am I already one.

Often I feel caged, often I cry

For I am a free bird

Who wants to fly.

For I am not afraid of darkness

But the tunnel never ends.

Scars have become my mark,

Have befriended the pain and cries.

For I don’t want to run anymore.

Life shows a glimpse of the shining sun,

But dark clouds never leave my way.

“How much more?” I ask the universe,

“Till you can take it,” she replies.

Hold my hand and walk with me,

For I don’t want to be alone anymore.

“But you are not,” a voice echoes in to my ears

Time has beaten me down,

Every time I have tried to get up

My knees hurt now, muscle refuses to bear the pain.

Why I feel so miserable?

My soul fails to understand

Nights are cold, mornings are bright

But still I can’t feel anything

My mind is blocked, heart is numbed

For I maybe falling in to a void...

Source: s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/b8/0d/37/b80d37c77ada6f1a68171f9a42bcd122.jpg

The Wait...

Every morning when I wake up, I wait for the day when we will be together

There is fun in the wait, but kills you slowly from inside

Heart feels a pang whenever I have to bid you goodbye

Another day awaits, consoles my heart

But the longing never goes away, mind exclaims

Why does one have to wait? Asks my soul, every time I go to bed

For one has no clue, when that day will arrive

Or maybe, not arrive at all

Making the wait, even more difficult

For I can run through the waves and walk on the fire

I can melt the ice and burn the sun

But, I don't want to wait anymore

For distance is the only hurdle in our path

For our souls keep longing, to get lost in each other

But I will come one day 

For I can turn the world upside down, if needed

I can tear the sky and burn the water, if required

Wait by the sea shore, I will run through the sand and water...

Hold you in my arms and touch your lips gently 

While the sun, the sand, the sea will cease to exist

And while we will be drowned in the ocean of our love 

Our souls will find each other all over again...

https://positivethoughtsonlife.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/waiting-black-and-white.jpg

The light of my life...

You seemed like a dream a few days back, when our paths crossed. 

We bumped in to each other suddenly, are inseparable now. 

How can I explain you, what you mean to me?

No, I can't get moon and stars for you. For I am no superhuman. 

But I can give you love and happiness. For I am touched by your soul.

I can't get you gold and diamonds. For I am no rich. 

But I can write you songs and poems. For you have taught me the meaning of simple yet beautiful things.

Where the tunnel of darkness ends, you are the light of my life. 

The hope, the dream that is now keeping me alive.

Not a second passes, when I don't think about you. 

All I want, is to be with you.

I wish you were here, by my side. Or I was there, by your side. 

For place doesn't matter now, our companionship does.

They say, you lose the friend when love is born. 

But I want to remain both till the end of my life. 

They say, things changes over a period of time. 

But I want to keep our bond electric as ever till the end of my life.

My heart skips a beat, every time you are around. 

Your aura is enticing, I want to die in your vicinity.

Hold my hand and take me along. Wherever the path would lead us to, 

I will be there all along.

Through those tough times and rough tides, I will sail along. 

Through the storm and rain, I will walk along. 

Never leave my hand, for I have surrendered myself to you...

https://daronenock.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/my_light_at_the_end_of_the_tunnel_wallpaper_jxhy.jpg

And, I started walking again...

Today, after a long day at work when I came home; I watched a movie – ‘Pele Birth of a Legend’ and I realized something. Not that only how the legend turned the style of playing football but most importantly how it is important to believe in ourselves.

And when we do believe in ourselves then we make history. I have been fighting a battle within myself from a long time. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped embracing the quality that makes me different from others and started doing what I was asked to do. I stopped writing for myself.

I have been giving excuses not only to myself but also to the people who love to read my blog that how I am not able to balance between work and writing.

The truth is, I cannot live a day without scribbling anything. And I realise why I have been feeling so lost lately. Because I have stopped embracing and enjoying what I love to do the most.

Not long ago I gave a direction to my life but a feeling of suffocation started trapping me inside the walls of my mind. The chain of thoughts that flowed smoothly once, now had difficulty to even flicker. I started muddling with it.

Perhaps, sometimes all you need is some inspiration and I have been looking for one since a long time. It is true the world does not work the way you want it to be. Things are not black and white. There are grey areas which dominate the world. But then we need to understand that unless we do not embrace the quality that makes us different from the world we are not going to make a difference.

102 sportsperson took part in the most precious event of the world at Rio Olympics and I was disgusted how the people of our country started accusing the players after they couldn’t bag a lot of medals. We started comparing it with other countries and how we have failed as a nation to make a difference at the global event.

But why we forget that at the time when these players needed our support the most we kept blaming them for not meeting our expectations. Why we always fail to believe in ourselves and start doing what the rest of the world is doing.

The movie is based on the journey of Pele but it also explains beautifully how the lost tradition of Ginga helped them to make a difference at a time when they were in the middle of a worst phase. There is a sequence in the movie when Pele’s father is dropping him at the bus station before the world cup and explains the importance of believing in oneself. And how important it is to enjoy whatever you are doing.

You may not win every time and it is important to fail because what failure teaches you, success never will. But when you fail, you rise. You emerge from the darkness and shine like a bright sun. So bright that the world shares your light and help to emerge from their dark phase.

There are numerous things which keeps us holding back from taking a step further and also many of us are afraid to take a risk. To fall. To gamble. Because we have a habit of living a secured life and we don’t want to get out of our comfort zone.

But when we manage to get out of our comfort zone, the possibility of winning is more because at that point of time there isn’t anything holding you back. You always give your best possible shot. Even somehow if you fail, you know that you have given your best.

Someone once told me, whenever in doubt just start walking and soon you will realise which way you have to go, which route you must take and keep walking until you find your own path. Life is short and time is running way too fast. I can’t even imagine how quickly this year has gone by and 2017 is only a few months away.

There are times when I am so scared that what if I am not able to do things that I want to do. But then I start walking again and I find my path again.

But there I was from past so many months not willing to take that extra walk and not ready to let go of things that I must. Today, when I am writing there is this immense pleasure and satisfaction. I am not holding anything back while pouring out my heart here even if I may not make any sense. I am enjoying this feeling of to be able to do what I love to do the most, again. I am writing for myself.

My friends from college always believed that I may not become an engineer but I would do something meaningful with my writing skill. And I still remember the day I told them about the new part of my life, I could see the grin on their face and happiness in their eyes. I knew it, I was on the right path.

Nothing wrong has happened since I got here in Delhi. I have been doing well. But it pinched me every day whenever I felt the urge to jot down what was going in my head but couldn’t. With time, I started getting used to it. Instead of working towards it, I stated ignoring it. And that was the reason why I felt lost at times, I was not myself for quite some time. Maybe, isolated myself for a while to figure out what the heck was wrong with me.

But then there was nothing wrong. I just stopped embracing the little moments of life that used to make me happy. And I was missing this.

Don’t be afraid if you are not like anyone else because you are someone. It is great to be different. And you will win someday. And in this hope, I have started walking again, holding on to what I have and hoping that someday I will find my path, again.  

source: https://c.fastcompany.net/multisite_files/fastcompany/imagecache/1280/poster/2014/08/3035004-poster-p-1-how-taking-a-20-minute-walk-every-day-transformed-my-approach-to-work.jpg