Valentine week: #2 How can I move on when I’m still in love with you…

I never thought that I would ever dedicate a whole week for love stories. Although I had a tough time figuring out the real life love stories to put on my blog, I managed to get few of them somehow. Today I am sharing a story, it’s about one of my friend who fell in love with a girl but when life started testing them he had a tough time dealing with it. Not always every love story is complete. Sometimes they are just left incomplete.

“Why is she doing this?” he asked me

“You brought this up upon you, you can’t blame her now.” I said

“I know but is that really so easy for her to move on with life, knowing the fact that I am not able to.” He asked me

“It’s not easy for anyone to move on with life, but when life don’t offer any other choice they do it, willingly or unwillingly that doesn’t matter now. And she is not doing this for her, she is doing it for you. Can’t you see that?” I said

“But I still love her.” He said and broke down

I know this was going to be tough, it’s not easy to forget someone. But this was because of his mistake. She loved him unconditionally and whatever she is doing now it’s because he asked her to do it. Almost two years ago they fell in love, both of them were in my class. Nobody was aware about what was going on between them, they kept it between them. In college they never showed what they had for each other, until that day when unknowingly I ended up reading his message on his phone and the world turned upside down. Perhaps if I hadn’t read his message then we would have never came to know about their relationship. And we were happy when we came to know about our friend. But somehow directly or indirectly our happiness was the reason which triggered things quite dramatically and maybe because of that he was in dumps now. When they kicked off with their relationship, both of them were enjoying it to the core until one day when he brought this topic out of the blue.

“What about our future? He asked her

“What about it?” she said

“Do you think we will able to cope with our situation knowing the fact that our family would never accept love marriage?” he said

“I don’t know, I don’t want to think about it because it might ruin just everything that we have.” She said

“I am telling you now only, let’s not get that close so that later on if something bad happens then that should not bother us at all. It’s better to cut a small plant rather than cutting a big tree.” He said

“But why you say so? We can think in the other way, what if it actually works out?” she asked him

“No that won’t happen, I know my family. It’s not possible. You should move on. This has got no future.” He said

“Why you are saying like that?” she said

“Because I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want you to get hurt.” He said and hung up the call

Next morning, I was going out to have tea when I saw her coming. She was literally sobbing quietly and walking towards me. She was in some other world and didn’t notice me coming. As soon as she saw me, quickly she wiped her tears and passed a smile. I couldn’t resist.

“What happened? Why are you crying?” I asked her

“Nothing. Just like that.” She said and left

I was perplexed. I was confused. What on earth has happened that she was crying? I knew something has happened between them. But no one would tell me. I tried asking him a lot, what is the problem between you two but he never replied. And same was the case with her. The problem with my nature is I can’t see my friends in trouble, and when I saw both of them ignoring each other, updating sad status I felt bad. Because we insisted him a lot to propose her. However that’s other thing that he did it without even telling us and we found out later on. Perhaps we crossed the line and pushed him a lot. And that made me feel terrible. Although I have never told him about this, but deep within I always felt bad being a silent observer of whatever was happening between them. They used to bunk lectures and meet in library to discuss their issues. There was no such issue, it was something which was created by them. If they wanted to enjoy their relationship, that would have happened quite easily. But they chose to think about what will happen after ten years and made their life living hell.

Who knows what will happen after ten years. Maybe things will be same as it is now or it will be completely different. Because life is unpredictable, and the more you predict the more your life will go into dumps. But who will make them understand and we decided to leave it on time. I stopped asking him about what was happening between them. And gradually we all got used to it. Until we went for another college trip when he was expecting her to forget everything that happened in past and enjoy the time with him. But that didn’t happen. And he started feeling bad. He was the one who asked her to move on, and when she did, it was him who couldn’t believe it. He tried to move ahead but that was tough for him now. And knowing the fact that she had already moved ahead, it made him feel more terrible. Often he would call me and cry over phone. I had no answers for him. What I can do? Nothing really. I blamed him also, because sometimes we just go overboard thinking about our future and we do some stupid things which makes us feel miserable later on in life. I always told him what you are doing is not right? But he would never listen. I tried explaining him, it’s not about thinking about the future now, and it’s about enjoying the present. Because we are way too immature to think about marriage and all that stuff at this age. We have lots of things to do in life. Instead of brooding over it, just enjoy whatever little time you get with her. And when he realised it, maybe it was too late. When she wanted to enjoy their relationship that time he was the one who was running away from it. And now when he wanted to enjoy the trip with her, it was too late. She had already moved on, but still she kept a straight face so that he shouldn’t feel bad. But sometimes we can know things even if you don’t tell it. We can feel it. And that feeling made him so miserable during the trip that sometimes I got pissed too. But he always had one thing to say, “How can I move on when I am still in love with you…”

It’s the nature of human beings, when everything is going fine we always tend to poke our nose and turn the situation the other way and then cry over it, blame our fate and often we curse god. Why you did this to me? But they don’t understand, it was not their fate, not their luck, not god that made things so terrible. It was them. I hope one day things will be fine between them and whatever is left incomplete in their story is completed with time. Time will heal everything, when things don’t work the way we want it to, we should leave it on time and never lose hope in ourselves. And even if it never works out the way we wanted then it’s better to move ahead rather than crying over it. You can love someone, but you can’t impose things on someone. Learn to be more kind and forgiving, shit happens in life always but it depends how we react in such situations. Sometimes people commit mistakes, it’s up to us whether we want to forgive them or not. Sometimes things turns quite dramatically, it’s up to us how well we understand the criticality of the situation. It’s always about how well we make choices in life.

You ask if it hurts badly,

I say it don't.

You ask if everything is fine,

I say it ain't.

You ask if I can live apart,

I say I can't.

You ask if I will love again,

I say I won't.

You ask what did I lose,

I say I never won....

Poem courtesy: Rishab Kankaria

 

 

Valentine Week: #1 Old is Gold…

Before I start with the story, I would like to share my thoughts behind this idea which was initiated by a fan of mine, to dedicate the whole valentine week with seven different real life stories. I don’t write just because someone asks me to, I write when I get the mood, when I get thoughts in my head. But when I met my fan personally and gave my first autograph of my life, this is the least any writer could do for his readers. So this one being an exceptional case, for that unknown girl who is so mad about my blogs and who sees me as a hero, as someone who motivates her when she is low, someone who shows her a right path to follow her dreams, and someone who cries because things are disturbed in my life. So whatever I will write this whole week, it is dedicated to all my readers, all those people who love reading my blog.

 

 

The first story that I would like to share for this valentine week, is about those two love birds who dared to fall in love with each other when the odds were totally against them. When there was no such thing called cellular phones, Internet, Whatsapp or any other communication channels which would minimize the distance between them and keep them connected with each other in the toughest of all times. In those times, falling in love was a big deal for people unlike today where we switch our relationships as if we change our clothes. With time somewhere deep down love has lost its essence. With the advancement of technology, and the mind-set of people the theory of love has been changed quite drastically. So I planned to bring back all those fond memories of love in this valentine week. So that we can understand love in a much better way, and love someone unconditionally. As soon as we get into relationship we have our own expectations, we want few things to be in a certain way without even giving it a thought about the other person. We forget to give them their space and waste plenty amount of time over phones talking nonsense for hours and hours. People think if phone rates are low then we can talk more. Rates are low but does that mean you have enough to talk to each other? And then you have to answer them also why you don’t have anything to talk? You can’t have exciting things happening every day in your life. If you give each other their own space and talk with each other once in 3-4 days then the excitement and thrill of the relationship is always maintained, the essence exists always. But they don’t understand, no one does. They take things for granted and then one fine day when the relationship doesn’t work out, they end up blaming each other, abusing each other. They don’t see what they did that turned things around for them, they don’t see where they went wrong. Whenever a relationship breaks it’s not because of just one person, the ratio of their mistake might be different but there can never be a situation where the guy was entirely right or so was the girl. They never analyse themselves, in case of girls the guy was a bastard and for guys the girl was a slut. When everything was fine they were angels for each other and as soon as either of them turned their back they turned into the worst person in the world. I hope to see this mind-set of people changing, I hope to see people loving each other unconditionally, I hope people to understand that no one out there is perfect but if we try we can make our relationships perfect by exercising a good mutual understanding, giving each other space, helping each other out in tough times and the most important one, trusting each other and let them live their life the way they want to live. You should understand one thing, if you are in relationship that doesn’t mean it gives you right to control each other lives. And even after so much of your effort it doesn’t work out then accept it as a part of your life which was meant to happen, you will be satisfied because you know you did your part, you tried to save it to the extent you could try and move ahead with life. The feeling of taking revenge and destroying other people life would land you nowhere.

Having said that, let us now go back in time and enjoy a wonderful love story.

The love story happened in the era of 1990’s when things were so different from how it is now. Falling in love was like going on a war front. But there were these two people who dared to fall in love, irrespective of their caste and family mind-set. The girl was studying, the guy was preparing for competitive exams. The girl use to live with her sister’s family which comprised of her brother-in-law and two nephews. The guy use to live in the same building, and he had a great bonding with the girl’s sister family. So one fine day, the guy comes to their apartment to spend some time with the kids when he saw her for the first time. And as he says, it felt as if nothing else existed in the world. He could hear music like for real, which actually was coming from the radio but the essence of life is things happen at the right time, right moment. The girl was way too shy, and she moved her gaze away and her sister came. They had their normal conversation, the girl was silent than usual. The girl’s sister was very much fond of the guy and she used to treat him as her younger brother and they shared a great bond of brother-sister. The amount of respect both of them had for each other was great. And slowly slowly both the girl and the guy developed a soft corner for each other and without even talking with each other they used to speak their heart out. Great, isn’t it? Is it possible these days?

However life had something else in store for them. And the girl’s sister started suspecting that there was something going on between them which till then was not even in the picture. And so the girl was sent to Bangalore to complete her studies where her dad and the rest of the family lived. She came back to Bangalore and continued with her studies but she left a part of her in that guy’s heart. Something was amiss from her life, even though they never got a chance to talk they were actually in love with each other. And the distance which now existed turned them even crazier than they already were. But that was a time when we didn’t have much of communication medium, the time where the concept of love letter actually existed. And so she started writing letters to him, and so did he. She used to tell him everything about how Bangalore was like, how was her college, how much she missed him, how things were going on her side and how badly she wanted to be with him. He used to tell her about how lonely he feels now, how tough it has become for him to find a good job and how much he missed her. As the time passed, the frequency of letters started increasing. And even that was not easy, she had to hide all the letters so that no one else can read it. She has to make sure that whatever was happening should be kept as their secret. Everyday use to pass in the wait, the wait for his letter to come. When it will come she has to make sure she gets it before anyone else. The joy of having his love letter especially written for her in her hand, feeling damn too excited but opening it carefully at the same time so that nothing happens to the letter and reading again and again in the middle of night and imagining how things were on his side. In reply she used to write another letter but make sure she posts it secretly. And the same thing continued for another nine years when finally the guy was well settled in his life and the girl had also achieved what all she craved for. Everything changed around them in these nine years. Cellular phones, Internet came into fashion but if something that never changed was their unconditional love for each other, respect for each other. Even though they were miles apart the distance never bothered their relationship which now is one of the most common excuse for any breakup, saying oh it happened because long distant relationship never works out. They don't work out because you don't try hard enough for them to work out. And when I say try hard enough it means both of you will have to work on your relationship, if you want it for your life.

So they had to confront this in front of everyone. And it happened one fine day. It was during the time when the family started looking for her groom, and that’s when with the help of her sister and brother they brought this topic in front of the whole family and so did the guy in his family. They fought for their relationship for nine years staying apart from each other, writing letter to each other which was their only mode of communication for several years until secretly they started talking over phone which used to go very hard on their pocket. But as they say when you have the courage to do something you just end up doing it, without giving it a thought of the consequences which might follow. You don’t think, you just do.

However nothing is perfect in this world and even they had hard times dealing with each other but when there is unconditional love and respect for each other, even the darkest of times passes too quickly. And after the nine years of their relationship finally they got married in the year 2000 and they have been living happily with each other from past 14 years.

I decided to write about this story in first place just because of the beauty of their relationship. These days we can be in contact with each other anytime, still most of the relationships never works out. The reason being simple, the word unconditional love has been swapped by materialism, many people want girlfriend/boyfriend in their life as a status symbol. And few who really love each other either do not have courage to confront their love in front of their family, or they break apart because of some stupid reasons. Also in many cases what happens is after few years of relationship they say they are still confused about each other. Then why you were with each other in the first place? There are a lot other things to experiment about, why waste your time in experimenting with love?

Take a moment from your life and think about this. What is the definition of love? What do you think about love? You want someone in your life who talks to you all the time but doesn’t give you enough space to breathe and is way too demanding. Or you want someone who talks to you when he/she feels like talking to you and their love for you is unconditional without any demands any tantrums. What choice you would like to make?

 

How I Met My Fan…

5^th February 2014, this date will be always remembered in my life as one of the best moments of my life. As usual after college I was heading towards my home. I walked down from my college to the bus stop from where usually I get bus for my home. I was damn too tired that day because of all the work we were doing for our project review. And so I decided to take a Volvo instead of a normal bus. I boarded a Volvo bus as soon as it came. I bought the ticket and took a window seat as fast as I could. I took out my iPod and plugged into my ears and let out a sigh of relief. I was lost in my own world when a girl boarded the bus. She wore a black top over her chocolate color trouser. Almost every seat in the bus was full; I was hoping that she might just come and sit beside me. Our eyes met quite a few times when her eyes were searching for a seat. And she came and sat beside me. She was wearing some exotic perfume which was attracting me more and more towards her. She had a tab in her hand and she was doing something. I tried not to look on her side so I started focusing on the music I was listening on my iPod and was staring blankly outside the window. But I tell you, she was irresistible. I had an urge of talking to her. I don’t know why that was, but I just wanted to strike some conversation with her. I was completely lost in her fragrance. And she got a call on her phone, she picked it up moved a strand of her hair from her face. All this while when she was busy talking on her phone, I was busy observing every little thing that she was doing. I tell you they all say that, a writer’s mind is a terrible place to live in. Damn true. All the time a writer’s mind is busy noticing something, observing everyone around us, analyzing quite deep any fucking situation which sometimes doesn’t even require that much of attention. And when sometimes even you get that mood to write but you couldn’t write because of your other engagements in life. Sometimes you even have thoughts in your head but somehow you are not able to pour out on the paper then that becomes too damn frustrating.  

With every passing second the urge to talk to her was growing more and more. Until when my eyes suddenly checked her tab to see what she was reading and the next moment I don’t know what happened. Maybe a BAAAAAM!!! Or a THUDDDD!!!!

My eyes got stucked then and there, almost ready to pop out with my mouth wide open. I was looking like one dumbass. But I couldn’t help then. It never had happened with me before. She was reading my blog, Incomplete Love Story on her tab. I looked at her face, she was so engrossed into reading and I was getting so excited after seeing someone whom I don’t even know was reading my blog. In past one year my blog page views has increased exponentially with almost 32,000 page views in past one year I was expecting that someday I will come across someone who will be reading my blog too. But it would happen this way, was something I never thought about. And I will be so speechless and expressionless was also something I never imagined in the wildest of my dreams. I was waiting for her to complete reading so that I can poke her. And when you want the time to pass quickly then always the opposite happens. Somehow I controlled my urge to poke her for a while. After when she was done reading the blog, she started texting someone and that took another 15 minutes to get over. Once she was done with everything else and before she could jump to some other thing, quickly I cleared my throat and asked her,

 “So did you like it?”

“Like what?” she asked me

“The blog which you were reading from such a long time so consciously.” I said

“Oh that, yeah. It’s kind of really good and different. Have you also read that blog?” she asked me

“Yeah, quite a few times.” I said

“I like it a lot. I always wait for any new updates and I love reading them.” She said

“Well, thank you.” I said

“Huh!!” she reflected

“Hi I am Mayank Manohar, Author of Incomplete Love Story.” I said

“Whaaaaat?????” she squeaked

And now the situation turned upside down. Her eyes were ready to pop out and mouth was wide open. She almost screamed when she heard my name.

“That was some reaction.” I said

“Really??? I mean, oh shit I am so perplexed; I am so so speechless now. Can I pinch you?” she asked me

“Don’t embarrass me please. I am not some famous celebrity.” I said

“Who said that? So many people follow you, you have no clue how many people love reading your blogs, reflect on what you always have to share and even cry with whatever bad is going on in your life. Your blog is something that I always look up for. I always get that inspiration of doing something I love to do and chasing my dreams without giving it a thought of what others might think. I have read all of your blog posts and eagerly waiting for a new one.” She said

I was listening carefully to her; I never thought my blogs meant so much to someone. It felt good, really good.

“You know when you were going through a rough patch in your relationship, when you wrote No Pain, No Gain… I had tears in my eyes after reading that post. And I always use to wonder whether this guy exists for real or its some fictional character. Because I have never seen anyone like you so far. I don’t know how you get thoughts like that. I always had a curiosity to unveil the other side of you.” She said

“Well I am really thankful to you and I am glad that you love my blog. I really appreciate that.”  I said

“So what are your upcoming posts?” she asked me

“I don’t know actually, no thoughts yet.” I said

“Valentine’s Day is coming, are you preparing something for the Valentine week?”

“I don’t know really. I was too busy with my college works these days, never got time to actually think about it.” I said

“Well if you don’t mind, can I give you some suggestion which might help you?” she asked me

“Yeah sure, go ahead.” I said

“How about dedicating a full week to real life love stories? Why don’t you write seven different love stories inspired by real life events and post it one by one for the whole week? This way your blog will get even more popular and since the name of your blog is Incomplete Love Story, people might be look for some love related post on your blog.” She said

“Hmmm…” she had a great idea and in the back of head I had already started thinking about what all and whose love stories will I write. I was really satisfied with her idea and wanted to do it.

“So do you like my idea?” She asked me

“Yeah, it’s brilliant. Thanks for this idea, I am gonna do this. Thank you.” I said

“You are welcome. I wish I could talk to you more but my stop is coming and I have to get down. It was really nice meeting you. Maybe it’s my lucky day. And if you don’t mind, can you give me your autograph?” she asked me

“Wasn’t it too much for her to ask me to give her my autograph? Was I dreaming? Or was I stoned.” I said to myself.

“Well, what should I say? I am speechless. I never thought someday my blog will get so popular that people will be mad for them. And I never thought I will ever give someone my autograph. I still can’t believe this. Can you pinch me once?” I said

And she really pinched me. I was joking about it though. She took out a small piece of paper and luckily I had a pen in my pocket. I don’t even have a stylish signature. However I wrote few words for her and signed my name with a smiley. And her stop came; she kept that piece of paper quickly in her bag and left.

“Hey what’s your name?” I almost shouted.

But the doors were closed by then and she couldn’t hear what I had asked. She waved her hand signaling me goodbye and so I did in return. And I had a big grin on my face. I couldn’t believe my luck. And I don’t know how to express what I was feeling at that moment of time. My eyes turned moist; there was immense satisfaction in my heart and endless happiness. I just couldn’t believe it. Life is unpredictable as I always say.

“When your signature turns into an autograph, that’s success…”

Everything was fine until Life happened…

Four years of my college went by in a flash; every memory every moment is still fresh and vivid in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I still remember the day; I came to Chennai and joined my college. “I have to spend four years of my life here!” was my first thought. But soon the time picked up its pace and until we realized it we were already at the gate of our college. And in a coming few moths it will be all over. College life will be over. It’s like your phase from sixth grade till tenth grade, back in those times four years seemed like eternity and every day used to pass at snail’s pace. But as we grow older time picks up its pace and before we can even think of something else our life will take a serious turn where the criticality of any situation is damn too much and the complexity of life keeps on multiplying exponentially. And the best part, you can’t do anything about it.

Whenever I look into the mirror I have only one thought in my mind all the time.

“I was not so fucking complicated earlier…”

And believe it or not that’s the truth. With everyday passing by we are becoming more and more complicated; our life has become one riddle and all the time it feels as if something or the other is missing from our life. We are running behind something we know nothing about. It’s like being blindfolded still running the race. Hardly there are people who want to do something out of the box. Hardly there is someone who wants to come out of their comfort zone and chase down what they always dreamed about. And if someone does either they are suppressed by others or it becomes too hard for them to fight against all the odds which mostly end up in giving upon their dream. I get wrapped up in this fear quite often. “What if I get lost in this crowd too?”

We have only two choices in life, we can either choose to get lost in the crowd or emerge as a winner. And doesn’t matter how fucked up our life is or it becomes we do have a choice in every situation, even in the darkest of times all we need is a ray of light.

In these four years, three years of my life went off in enjoying the college life, making new friends, sleepless nights before exams, fear of the results, partying, working hard in college fests, volunteering for blood donation camps, organizing college trips, everything was going smoothly and then suddenly it dawned upon us. That we were in final year of our college and with that it was the start of the placement drive. It was something for which everyone was so eagerly waiting from a long time. And then for me, Life happened…

Rejections after rejections in past six months, I have not just tasted failure. I have played with it, and I have been living my life in stress all the time. Doesn’t matter how hard I try not to be so worked up about all this but the complexity of the situation doesn’t even allow me to have a sound sleep at all. And it has given me so many posts for my blog and I am tired of answering people’s question all the time. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who is struggling in this world. There are people in worst situations than me but still surviving. And I don’t compare myself with anyone either. Still who will make others understand that? People think that I think that I am the only one with so much of issues in life. I don’t even know how they can come up with something like this. But that’s what the world do, cook up a whole damn story for you and you don’t even have a slightest of clue when that happened. It’s true that if you check my blog posts of past few months all you will find is one depressing story, motivating at the same time.  

The story about an isolated guy who’s trying hard to make his place, his identity in the crowd so that one day he will shine and the road which have been looking so blurry lately will be cleared out soon one fine day, that day he will emerge as a winner out of this and overcome his fear of getting lost in the crowd.

“Everything was going fine until Life happened…” I reflected.

Dark times…

Dark times lie ahead

Hovering like clouds over my head

What wrong I did, I often reflect

They all say it’s your fate

Coz often you get things quite late

All you have to do is stay awake

Until you get that one call

And then you shall never fall

The only one thing that I pray

Waiting eagerly for that day

Break a leg or blow up your head

But make sure you get it before you are dead

We live among those hypocrites

Who knows to talk but never act?

They will make life hell if you dream

Whip you up like cream

I have befriended the darkness now

Tired of them today I take a vow

Soon I am gonna end this

That’s my only wish…

Wish I could become a kid all over again…

After sometime when the clock will tick 00:00, I will turn twenty three years old. Another amazing chapter of my life will get completed and a new chapter will begin. Every ending is the start of something new. I have come across many such people in my life so far who always say that they don’t believe in celebrating their birthday’s just because they think that one year from their life will get reduced and they are one step closer to their death. There’s always two ways of seeing things like how there are two sides of a coin, two faces of people and so on… but if you see this from a positive perspective then you have lived one more great year of your life, you have sailed through all those storms and danced to all those tunes of life so far successfully. As I always say, it’s our perspective to look at things which matters the most which makes you different from the crowd. However if I were granted a wish then I would love to become a kid all over again. I miss being a kid now, I miss all those pranks, all those fun and most importantly I miss being carefree about the world and do what I always wanted to do.

If I wanted to become superman all it required me to do was tie a towel around my neck and jump off the bed imagining that I was flying like him. That time everything seemed so simple there was no space for any logical explanations or practical possibilities in life over which we break our head now. Now if we got to do something we have got to think about it “N” numbers of times analyse all the possibilities, note down all the worst case scenarios and then end up saying, “I don’t think so this is practically possible.” Or “you are not being practical man.”

As we grow up, we are burdened with hell lot of responsibilities, expectations of people and most importantly fear. We are not grown-ups. We are a bunch of unsecured people who don’t have believe in their will and who do not want to take risks in life. Because we believe that might spoil our comfort zone. When we were a kid, all we wanted to do was to grow up so that we can put our dreams into reality, so that we can let our imagination fly and fly above the sky. Turn our fantasy into reality. Because back then everyone use to shut us up whenever we tried making our point saying, “you are just a kid what do you know about it?”

And as we grew up, the burden of responsibilities and living up to everyone’s expectation started putting us into a fix and we started living our life more in fear than the fantasy which once use to rule our mind all the time. As I will turn one more year older after sometime, I wish that I live my dream, which I have been knitting so meticulously since childhood and chase it until I have it in my life. I don’t want to turn into some grumpy man who always broods over things. Instead I want to fly above the sky and push myself quite hard until I reach my destination. And on that note I would like to quote,

”Don’t let that naughty kid inside you fade away from your life, that’s the only thing which brings you back into life…”

Happy birthday to me…

When I look back…I feel good!!!

I wanted to do this long back when that day arrived, when the clock ticked twelve and the whole world was busy celebrating the New Year in a hope that with this new beginning new hopes would arrive in their life. Since I was unavailable I couldn’t do what I always wanted to do. Blog about the entire year experience compiled in a nutshell and post it as soon as the clock ticked 00:00.

When I look back today, the year 2013 has been the most exciting year of my life so far in which I had experienced a lot of things which in some way has made me a good human being, changed the course of my life and gave a new perspective to look at life. When the year 2013 started, that time I was busy expanding our online magazine Wake India Now (WIN). We wanted to reach out to as many people as we could and hopefully to a certain extent we succeeded in achieving that. I had experienced the thrill of life in the entire year whether it was chilling out with friends in places like Goa, Pondi, Bangalore or getting rejections after rejections in all the interviews I went in. When all my hopes was lost somewhere, deep within I knew that sooner or later I am going to make it. It is just a matter of time. I received over ten rejection letters from different publishing houses where I had sent my book for getting published. It took me almost three and a half years to complete that book and in one stroke it felt like as if my whole effort was going into vain. And then suddenly on one fine evening in the month of February the sun winked at me and I got a green signal from one such publishing house who were actually glad with my work and wanted to work with me on my book. However I was asked to wait and whole year went by in the wait, the wait for the final confirmation, the wait for that one mail saying we would like to publish your book. However the wait is still on and I hope that day will arrive very soon in my life when I will have what I always dreamt of. 

Life is unpredictable and it was throughout the year 2013. Whenever I thought that now things were falling back to its right places, always it was erupted by the truth of life leaving my hopes in despair. Every day was passed thinking when this phase will get over when I will see the shinning bright sun, when life will surprise me with its surprises when I will see the light in the end of this endless tunnel. From feeling loved to be left isolated, from being angry to jumping out of joy over small small things, I have experienced almost every feeling existing in this world. And now when the year 2013 is over, I feel glad about it. I feel glad about all those happiness that came into my life, be it small or big. About all those tough times when I was sailing through the rough sea standing tall in front of every storm and getting up every time after being fallen. Moreover the fact that I had spent one more year of my life chasing my dreams gives me the immense feeling of satisfaction and happiness.

I feel glad about every little mad thing I did. I feel glad about all those meetings with people whom I came across. I feel glad about all the decisions that I made which somehow brought my life to a right path and a step closer to my destination. And whatever bad happened should be left from the past and making sure that we learnt from it, learnt about those mistakes that we committed hoping won’t be repeating in future.

And with that hope I would like to share a very nice quote which says,

“Enjoy your youth. You will never be this young again ever in your life. So sit back, relax and take a deep breathe…”

Am I lost? Or it’s just a feeling…

Sometimes in life, there comes a point where you have no idea what have you been doing your entire life so far. You go blank for a moment which makes you doubtful for whatever you have been trying to do. Although sitting amidst of everyone, you feel lonely. You feel as if time is picking up the pace and somewhere down the line you are losing the grip. But was it even present before when you screwed up? If it was, then how come you landed yourself up in a deep shit like this? How you ended up losing the grip which once use to direct the boat of your life towards something new. Why there is always a bad feeling about everything? Why life seems to be more complex than usual? Where I look these days all I find is close doors, and if few doors are open they get closed when I reach them. And now I realize how tough it gets for you when you want to make your identity among the crowd. And I know how those people must have felt exactly while they were going through such phase. They all say when this will end you will come out with flying colors. But it is easy to say so, tougher it gets when you have to live it every second of your life.

As the New Year begins, it brings in a lot of hope and happiness for everyone. I am still waiting for mine to arrive at my door. Although after facing so much, I have been strong all the time. I have not just faced failure; I have tasted it all this while. Even after reaching so close at one point, it felt as if I will never make it there. I am still far away from it. I have accepted every rejection of mine with a smile on my face and optimism in my heart that if not this then may be the next. But after all this while I am still standing there. However a lot of things have happened and changed lately in my life which has affected every aspect of my life in every possible way. But still I have never shown that little frown on my face ever. I still stand tall in front of the storm that I am facing right now hoping it would end soon and I hope to see a bright light in the end of this tunnel soon. And with that hope I get up every morning and in that hope I go to bed every night. But at some moment like this, I start feeling that I am lost somewhere. 

Though you exist there physically but your mind is not. It is indulged in some deep complex chain of thoughts which gets multiplied exponentially in a series of chain of thoughts and you start drowning in those thoughts. And you feel suffocated, you feel choked and all you want to do is scream your lungs out, bang the bottle kept next to you in the mirror, break those wall and set yourself free from this cage, from this prison of disappointment and failure.

I don’t know whether it makes senses or not. Sometimes it’s better to pour out your heart instead of thinking about the sense that it may make or not. One should write when that urge comes from within to jot down your thoughts, pour out your heart out. It’s like you sing out your miseries, your worries, your pain still it sounds nice. But it may not be any nicer to experience it. On a lighter note, I am just trying to figure it out whether I am really lost somewhere or it is just some random feeling…

It’s Their Right, Don’t Take It Away!!!

To the entire world we are known as hypocrites. A country where they will talk about a lot of things, but when the time comes to take a stand over it, to exercise those things then we always tend to back out. And to avoid it, we will back it up by connecting the religious part of our culture and irrelevant logics. Four years ago when the Delhi High Court passed its judgment over the Gay Sex issue, by making it legal it certainly won people’s heart. But when yesterday the Supreme Court changed the whole dynamics in the court of law by decriminalization of Homosexuality, expected celebration turned into dejection. Under the Act of 377, it is now a punishable offence, if offended by a person of any age, religion; community will be proven guilty in the court of law and will be given life sentence as its punishment.

They quoted homosexuality as something which is inhuman and unnatural. Now just tell me one thing, who on earth are we to decide whether Homosexuality is an inhuman and unnatural act or not? And if they have their right to question the creation of God then where their conscience went when girls were being raped every now and then, in the most inhuman and unnatural way? Who gave then the rights to pass such kind of judgment that if any juvenile has been accused of rape charges then it is not a punishable offence in the court of law?

Homosexuality is not something which people chose after growing up; they are born in a particular way which defines them. And if we call India as a democratic country then in democracy no one has the right to question anyone with whom they want to be with and with whom they want to have sex. It is a black era for democracy (if at all that exist anymore). It’s an individual’s right according to the constitution of India, which allows us to live freely in whichever way we want and with whomsoever we want.

Having said that, four years ago when Gay Sex was made legal, it opened up the doors for medical science to explore a whole new level in their field, but after this judgment given by the Supreme Court, it has not only abolished the Human Rights but also it has closed the doors for the medical science to evolve beyond our imagination. This has taken us 200 years back again. And if that’s the case then tear apart the book of Kamasutra and demolish the temples of khujaraho which depicts the same sex love as well. Till when we will shy away from such issues which is life for over 7-8% of the country’s population. What is the harm in giving them their rights to love and marry? If your son is gay then why can’t you accept him in the way he is? After all he was born this way, what was his mistake if he is a gay? Why we want them to be ashamed of themselves? Why we want to make their life living hell? Why we want them to live their entire life in a closet? Why can’t we think in a more matured way? Who is Supreme Court to decide people’s personal choice???

If a person is gay, put them in jail. But the people who all are eating our nation, who all are corrupted can live freely. Obviously this has invoked a new revolution, to stand united and fight against the rights of our friends. Lifetime imprisonment for loving someone is not justified at any cost. 

And as Pope Francis has quoted, “if a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge him?” How can you make this issue as a crime?

And if we look at the history, evolution has been the major things happening around in our world, in nature. If that would not have happened then no human race would ever existed in this world because even we are evolved from Apes. Change is the law of nature, to balance the world we have to change us with time. And this is the time to appeal against the judgment of the Supreme Court, stand united for their rights and bring a change in our society which let everyone live in the way they want without any fear, harassment and violation of Human Rights. I hope to see, the new world again. I hope to see Supreme Court taking its judgment back. I hope to see when Homosexuality is not a crime anymore and it has been accepted by every one of us. . I hope to see people of my country waking up from their deepest of slumbers and act against what is going wrong. Because someday we have to accept that it’s not in our hand to hold someone’s life and respect the creation of nature.

One day I will shine!

It’s been almost four months of struggle where I am trying hard to get placed in some good company. But every time something or the other goes wrong for me. In my case, I think it’s my marks. Every time in every interview everything goes pretty well until they come to a point, why you have such low grades? And then everything goes wrong from that point of time. Why people don’t understand one simple thing it’s not about the marks all the time, it’s about the potential that anyone has; it’s about what someone is capable of. But who cares, that’s how the hierarchical level of our society is, if your marks are good even though you don’t have knowledge or other quality which completes you as a person, even then you are on the top. But if you lack just one thing and that’s good marks in your academics then you are no one. I hope someday the mentality of people along with the system should change. I know so many people who do not have good grades but they are capable of doing such things which the university toppers can’t do it, but they are being ignored. I feel bad, I feel sorry, and I feel miserable.

But when I look back, to the stories of all those people who are now legends. Every one of them had something similar in them. They all were ignored by the people, by the society. But when they shined they changed the whole dynamics of every field they went into. And that’s when I feel good, I feel content and I feel optimistic. I have seen so many ups and downs in my life till now but every time something bad happens with me, I have to get up and fight. And I did, every time I did fight against all the odds and came out with flying colors. It’s something which has become a trait in my life that until my life is in dumps I never get up and change things for good. And again the situation is similar now. The situation is demanding me to get up and fight. And I am fighting. But somewhere down the line there is only one thing which is going wrong for me, is that I am being judged on the basis of my marks. I know that’s very usual but not every time it should happen. Because even elastics have a breaking point. You can’t stretch something to that extent and expect it will never break. Everything has a breaking point. But who understands that. No one seems to care what all I am going through. People commit mistakes and so I did. Does that change everything? Does it make things so worse?

I am tired of fighting again and again. I can’t get proper sleep; I don’t have a peace of mind. And I am angry all the time. I don’t with whom I am just angry all the time. Sometimes how I wished, why can’t I get things so easily? I have known so many people who got everything in their life without much of all the fighting and surviving. They are just too lucky. Why I can’t be lucky at least some time in my life?

But one day I will shine too. And when that happens, the world will have a new story to tell, a new personality to motivate and a new perspective to look at. Till then I know I have just one thing to do and that is fighting against the situation.

As they say, “When things starts going wrong for you, it will become worse. And wait until it becomes worse, because you will never shine as a diamond if things were easy for you.”