Am I lost? Or it’s just a feeling…

Sometimes in life, there comes a point where you have no idea what have you been doing your entire life so far. You go blank for a moment which makes you doubtful for whatever you have been trying to do. Although sitting amidst of everyone, you feel lonely. You feel as if time is picking up the pace and somewhere down the line you are losing the grip. But was it even present before when you screwed up? If it was, then how come you landed yourself up in a deep shit like this? How you ended up losing the grip which once use to direct the boat of your life towards something new. Why there is always a bad feeling about everything? Why life seems to be more complex than usual? Where I look these days all I find is close doors, and if few doors are open they get closed when I reach them. And now I realize how tough it gets for you when you want to make your identity among the crowd. And I know how those people must have felt exactly while they were going through such phase. They all say when this will end you will come out with flying colors. But it is easy to say so, tougher it gets when you have to live it every second of your life.

As the New Year begins, it brings in a lot of hope and happiness for everyone. I am still waiting for mine to arrive at my door. Although after facing so much, I have been strong all the time. I have not just faced failure; I have tasted it all this while. Even after reaching so close at one point, it felt as if I will never make it there. I am still far away from it. I have accepted every rejection of mine with a smile on my face and optimism in my heart that if not this then may be the next. But after all this while I am still standing there. However a lot of things have happened and changed lately in my life which has affected every aspect of my life in every possible way. But still I have never shown that little frown on my face ever. I still stand tall in front of the storm that I am facing right now hoping it would end soon and I hope to see a bright light in the end of this tunnel soon. And with that hope I get up every morning and in that hope I go to bed every night. But at some moment like this, I start feeling that I am lost somewhere. 

Though you exist there physically but your mind is not. It is indulged in some deep complex chain of thoughts which gets multiplied exponentially in a series of chain of thoughts and you start drowning in those thoughts. And you feel suffocated, you feel choked and all you want to do is scream your lungs out, bang the bottle kept next to you in the mirror, break those wall and set yourself free from this cage, from this prison of disappointment and failure.

I don’t know whether it makes senses or not. Sometimes it’s better to pour out your heart instead of thinking about the sense that it may make or not. One should write when that urge comes from within to jot down your thoughts, pour out your heart out. It’s like you sing out your miseries, your worries, your pain still it sounds nice. But it may not be any nicer to experience it. On a lighter note, I am just trying to figure it out whether I am really lost somewhere or it is just some random feeling…