Incomplete love story: A walk down the memory lane...

There are times in your life, when you dream something and then you cannot help but keep reflecting on what you saw in those few hours. Same happened today with me, in the evening when I took a small nap.

The craze that I have for time travelling actually did happen, for once while I was lost in my dream world.

It is the summer of 2009, I am in Bangalore walking in the lanes of Bhoopsandra road. That is where my cousin Pranay used to live then, in his tiny yet beautiful one room apartment. While I am walking towards his apartment, I saw the younger me.

It has been a long time since I visited this area, my cousin lived here for many years and I visited him a lot during the two years that I spent in Hyderabad. But this time, the younger version of me was here for some other reason.

He had just given his 12^th board examinations and the entrance exams for various engineering colleges. And he was sure, he won’t be getting a rank in any of them. He was scared and his time was over in Hyderabad. This time he didn’t wish to go back to his hometown Patna, he was feeling guilty of disappointing his parents all over again. He couldn’t face them and he chose to bunk at his cousin’s place doing nothing whole day.

Maybe he just wanted to forget the reality for some time. But he knew he cannot evade from the reality for a long time.

I walk upstairs to the apartment, making my way through the balcony where Tommy, the landlord’s dog; who used to hang out with the younger version of me, was sleeping.

I peep through the window and the younger version of me is having a conversation with my cousin. He is trying to persuade me to get on with life.

“Life will give you jolts every now and then but you have to face them. I don’t mind you staying here but you need to understand your situation and act accordingly. If you don’t feel like going back to Patna, you can stay here and take tuitions for the exams,” Pranay said.

“I know. I am not trying to evade from the reality. I am just preparing myself mentally. I don’t know whether I really want to pursue engineering but I don’t know what the other options are. I don’t know what I am good at and the fact that I disappointed mummy papa again after my 10^th board exams makes me feel guilty. I know they will never mention in front of me but I don’t have the heart to just walk in there,” said the younger version of me.

I had a clean shaved look back then, never tried growing beard and a different hairstyle. I was so much influenced by my surroundings then that I ended up changing my personality to fit in somewhere. This is something I have never told anyone except Tanushree Mukherjee but deep down, I know it was influential then.

“You have to figure it out. If not engineering then what is the other option. I cannot help you with that. No one can. And I understand. Even I was in the same phase. I flunked in my board exams and wanted to become a doctor. But when that didn’t happen, I took the alternative route through biotechnology and every day now I am trying to work hard to get where I wish to see myself. I want to tell you that life doesn’t stop. Failures are one important part that we must embrace but also learn. If the door is not opening now, then maybe you need to try the other door,” Pranay said.

The younger version of me looked tired. He was not annoyed by the fact that everyone was saying him the same thing. But he was feeling helpless. He didn’t know what to do with his life. And he was really immature back then.

Looking at the younger version of me made me think for a moment. While I was standing in the balcony, I reflected that how naïve I was once upon a time and how the challenges of life turned me into the way I am now.

The younger version of me excused himself and decided to take a walk. I immediately went downstairs and hid behind a car. When I reached here somehow, I wanted to meet the younger version of me and maybe sit with him and talk. But suddenly I realised that I cannot do that.

I cannot ruin the party for him. He has no clue what life is going to offer him. He has no clue that he will be crushed by life for another five years and those challenges of life is what going to turn him into a person which is the future me. I cannot take it away from him.

I saw him getting down from the stairs, folding his sleeve of the shirt. He took his phone out and called one of his friend, I didn’t get the name though. While he was walking aimlessly talking over the phone, laughing out loudly and cracking jokes about how he couldn’t crack any of the exams and he don’t want to go back to Patna, I kept walking behind him. I kept following him.

He went to a mobile shop and recharged his phone, bought a pack of britania cake and cold drinks and started walking again. And then he sat near a restaurant on the main road, where he usually used to sit and talk on phone for hours.

I was standing at a distance, it felt good deep down to see me that way. To know that I was once really immature and I didn’t care much about the people. But I seemed happy in my own way. Even today I am happy in my own way, but the challenges of life has turned me into such a mature person that sometimes I do feel the need of not making sense.

I stood there watching him, and I smiled at myself. “You will grow beard one day boy and you will meet the person meant for you. And you will realise that your world was never this beautiful. It will take time though, she will arrive when you will be feeling that there is no meaning to your life. When you will shattered and then she will arrive in the most unexpected way and then your life will blossom. And not just that she will change your life in the most needed way but you my boy will show her light. Because one day she will be as lost as you are now and by then you will know what it is like to be lost. You will make some really good friends, who will be willing to go to any extreme for you, our parents, which you think is not able to understand you now, will ask you to wander into the unknown and your brother will be always there as the pillar of strength. You are going to win my boy, challenges will never stop but you will learn to fight,” I whispered to myself looking at the younger version of me.

I started walking back, I left the younger version of me with his own thoughts and life. Also, because I know how things are going to fall in to the right place but yes there is a storm awaiting for him. And he needs to go through that storm. For a moment, I also thought if he doesn’t go through what is awaiting next, then maybe the future version of me will be entirely different.

“I am not going to like that version of me. I like this version more,” I said to myself. And I woke up.