The Seekers of Selfdom - Part IV

The next morning, Tamina didn’t leave her room. She didn’t feel like eating or taking a stroll outside like every other day. She was feeling guilty about not being able to help Marc, who without even asking left a note for her, which exactly the thing was going on in her mind. Several times she thought of asking her father to help Marc but she knew she was not answerable to the questions which her father will raise. She looked outside her window, it was almost afternoon, and she wondered where Marc will be at this hour of the day. While she was lost in his thoughts, one of her helper came inside her room.

“King Atanu wish to see you princess,” said the helper.

“I will be there in a bit,” Tamina replied.

Tamina got up and changed her clothes. She was not in a mood to even step out of her room but she cannot say no to her father.

King Atanu was sitting in the dining hall, a few of his old friends have visited the kingdom and in their honour the entire palace was busy in preparing the delicacies. Tamina walked in the room and said, “You wanted to see me father?”

“Tamina, my sweetheart come here. I want you to meet my childhood friend Achyut and his son Achintya,” Atanu said. Tamina greeted them with her gentle smile.

“May the lord bless you Tamina,” Achyut said and continued, “She is beautiful.”

“Thank You my lord,” Tamina replied and said, “Father, can I be excused?”

“Take Achintya along and show him our palace,” Atanu ordered her.

She had no options but to pretend that she was ecstatic in showing Achintya her palace. She was afraid what if they decide to get her married to him. Whenever her father has asked her to someone’s son the palace, things have gone terribly wrong. She prayed that was not the case.

Achintya had a good physique and a good height. Though they were traders, Achintya has been trained for combat or so he says.

“I have heard a lot about you,” Achintya said looking down.

“What have you heard about me?” asked Tamina.

“That you are a fierce warrior and you are beautiful,” he said.

“But father never allows me to join his army in the battlefield except once when we were outnumbered,” she said.

“And that one story has spread across every kingdom. Wherever we go for trading they have mentioned your name and every prince wants to marry you,” Achintya said and winked at her.

Tamina couldn’t hold on to her thoughts and said, “Are you here to marry me too?”

Achintya was taken aback with the sudden question. He had no clue what to say. He thought for a while and replied, “I don’t know why we are here.”

“Don’t mention this to your father that I asked you this. I am tired of all this. Every now and then someone comes to ask for my hand but I don’t want to get married right now,” she said.

“But someday you will have to,” Achintya replied.

“I wish that day never arrives,” Tamina said and looked away.

There was a brief pause, Achintya had only heard about her and after spending a few minutes with her he realised Tamina was a free bird who wanted to fly but she has been caged inside the palace. She has not been kept here forcefully, she wants to be here but she wants to be here on her own terms. She was a rebel.

“Do you how to use a sword?” Tamina asked her and a thought flashed in her mind.

“Yes,” Achintya replied.

“Grab one,” she said and took out her sword. The duo bowed to each other and what followed next was a 20 minute rigorous battle. Initially, Achintya was trying to go soft on Tamina but looking at her aggression, he took the face-off seriously. But he missed a lot and Tamina got carried away by her emotions and she ended up hurting Achintya.  

“Oh I am really sorry,” Tamina threw away her sword and rushed to see Achintya. Blood started rushing out of Achintya’s arm, Tamina immediately tore a piece of her clothing and wrapped around his hand.

“I am really sorry, I got carried away,” Tamina apologized.

“You really are a fierce warrior,” Achintya winked at her. “Don’t worry no one will get to know about this,” he said.

Tamina stepped back and looked around to see if anyone was around. “We should go back,” she said and started walking back to the dining hall.

King Atanu noticed Achintya’s hand, he knew his daughter has done this to him. He didn’t say a word as immediately Achintya told everyone that how he was checking out the swords and he got injured.

“We should eat,” Atanu announced and everyone took their seat. Tamina’s mother Moly was back from her visit and she requested Atanu for wait for a few minutes so she could join the feast.

“She had gone to meet her mother. She wasn’t doing well. I thought of going to but the situation here was not quite healthy,” Atanu said to Achyut.

“Times are bad my friend. And especially for you, a lot of rulers are eying this kingdom,” Achyut said.

“Let them come and fight us. Then they will never dare again,” Tamina said in a firm voice.

“You shouldn’t talk like this in front of your elders,” Atanu scolded her for getting carried away.

“She is right. If they want to dethrone you, your army should take them out. It is important to send a message to the outside world that only because you are a humble king that doesn’t mean anyone can overrule you,” Achyut said and smiled at Tamina.

Tamina was confused. She has never met them and suddenly an old friend of her father has surfaced and is trying to convince him to fight. Tamina scolded herself for doubting her father’s childhood friend intentions; experiences in her life has turned her into a person, who finds it very difficult to trust anyone.

She was thinking about Marc again. She was afraid what if he gets into trouble. He doesn’t even know how to fight, she was worried about him. She scolded herself again. Why she was worried so much about a stranger? The question kept darting in her head as her mother’s voice brought her back into the reality.

“Where are you lost my child?” Moly said and hugged her daughter. “It’s been so long,” she said.

Queen Moly was from a distant land. She was a princess of a small kingdom in the west and she met Atanu through her father. They never thought they would marry each other, considering they belonged from different culture and spoke different language. But an invisible thread tied their knot forever. However, their marriage came in not a very good time. Moly’s father died during a battle and Atanu married Moly to ensure her kingdom is looked is safe after her father’s demise.

“How is grandmother?” Tamina inquired.

“She will be fine soon my child,” Moly said and greeted Achyut and his son Achintya.

After a brief pause, Achyut asked Atanu about the trading in his kingdom. “I want to help your kingdom by working with you. We are traders but these days you cannot trust anyone. You must be wondering why suddenly I paid you a visit. We want to work with you and we will help your kingdom to boost revenue. I know the time is not quite right but we need your support,” he said.

Atanu without even thinking replied, “You don’t need to ask me for anything my friend. You are my oldest friend and I trust you more than my life. I will be grateful to work with you and your trading skills will help us in expanding our trading in different sectors.”

Tamina and Moly were looking at each other with surprise. Though they were not doubting Achyut intention but Atanu’s immediate reply came as a surprise for them. Atanu has never made any decision in a rush, he always think before arriving at any decision.

“I am grateful to you my friend,” Achyut said and hugged Atanu. Atanu asked Achyut and his son to join him for wine and they excused themselves. Moly and Tamina was sitting in their room, it has been a long time since the mother and daughter spoke to each other. Moly has been gone for over a month.

“How things are here?” Moly asked Tamina.

“It is not going very well. We had a visitor while you were gone. A foreigner who goes by the name Marc. He is a traveller and a writer and he wanted to write about father. But I misunderstood his intentions and summoned him in front of father and he was asked to leave the kingdom. Father still doesn’t trust me. He thinks I will repeat the mistake. I know we put our trust in the wrong person once but it cannot happen everytime,” Tamina said as her eyes turned moist.

Moly held Tamina’s hand and asked her, “Do you like this stranger?”

Tamina was taken aback. “I don’t know about that mother. But I think he needed our help but the way we treated him was not good. And today father didn’t even think twice before making his friend partner in trading. I don’t doubt their intentions but it is a big decision,” Tamina said.

“Look my child, your father need people whom he can trust right now. Things are not going really well in our kingdom and if his friend wants to help us then there is nothing wrong. And don’t worry we won’t ask you to marry his son, if you don’t wish to. My child, you will marry the person you want and when you want, that is my assurance,” Moly said and took her daughter in her arms.

“You take rest, I will check on your father,” Moly said and left.

Tamina got up from her bed and took out the small case, where her thoughts were locked. She took out the handwritten note that Marc had left for her. She re-read the words scribbled by him on the piece of paper. She kept it back into the case, took out a fresh piece of paper and ink. She wanted to write today. She stopped writing years ago but today she felt a strong urge to write again.

“There are times, when I feel like running away from everything and everyone but why I can’t? Even if I want to, the thought of my loved ones always stops me from taking the plunge.

They say, this world is a cruel place and I must not step outside my kingdom. But how will I know if I don’t taste the cruelty? They say we cannot trust anyone from the outside world, but why this heart wants to believe that there is someone out there for me, waiting for me.

Someone who don’t want to keep me caged but allow me to wander like a free bird. Someone, who would love to read my mind, without telling him what is going on inside this head.

I have been betrayed once, and that has left a deep scar in my soul. Not that I have not forgotten about it but it is becoming difficult to trust any other soul. I distanced myself from things that gave me happiness in a hope that will make me tough. But at times, I don’t recognise myself when I look into the mirror.

Someday, I want to go to the countryside, sail through the majestic sea and wander in the distant land where no one knows me. But times are tough and I cannot leave my father here alone, I hope this phase ends soon.

My world is quiet small but I don’t want to be caged here anymore. Since the day, Marc has left, I cannot stop thinking about him. I don’t know what he means to us, I don’t know if I can put my faith in him, but my heart says so to trust him. But my mind rebels against my heart and there is a battle ragging inside my head.

I don’t know where you are, but I hope to see you again. And maybe this time, I won’t hold you by your neck and point my sword to you. Maybe I will just sit by the lakeside with you, and read what you write.

Maybe someday I will show you what I have kept locked inside this heart. But I don’t know if that day will ever arrive. I don’t know where to find you and I don’t know if you would like to find me, again like you did once.

I will wait by the lakeside for you, in a hope that someday we meet. But if that day doesn’t arrive then I will accept it as my fate. If I have to choose between my father and you, I will surely choose my father. But you will reside within this heart.

I have been lying to myself all this while that I don’t know whether you mean anything to me or not. Because 

I don’t want to believe that you mean something to me, because that will not hold me back in this cage and I will wander in the unknown looking for you.

And that is why I am pouring out my feelings here so I can lock this inside the case and never open it again. This is certainly the last time, and I wish this is not the last time. I wish you come back again, and this time I will ask you to stay. I will fight with the world to make you stay here. I will be waiting by the lakeside.”

A lone tear trickled down her cheek. She folded the piece of paper and kept it inside the small case. She locked the case and kept it inside her bed. 

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