The Seekers of Selfdom - Part I

The sky is clear, a cool breeze has toned-down the scorching heat; forcing the people to take a stroll around the busy street of Atanu, a small kingdom in the north named after its king. While the meaning of this kingdom is divine, things have not been going too good for its people.

It is those times, where one king would go to any extent to overpower the other. Atanu was, however, a different type of ruler. He believed in kindness and he was happy ruling his own kingdom. He never asked for more and never had he ordered his army to overpower the adjoining kingdoms.

But the world out there was not very kind. Going by the impression of the man Atanu was, many rulers tried to strike a deal with him. He, however, declined to collaborate with any one of them and requested them to leave his kingdom in peace.

The rulers were adamant and wanted to dethrone Atanu and take over his kingdom. The geographical location had everything to do with it, located at the northern valley, it was one of the safest kingdoms.

The altitude helped the night watchers to keep an eye on their enemies. There was a mix of agriculture and trading on which the people survived. Atanu being the kind of person he was, he always helped his people and at times he would not collect tax if someone couldn’t afford it at that point of time.

This sometimes earned him the respect but criticism among the other rulers as a new wave was spreading across other kingdoms, where the people would request to waive off their taxes because they heard what Atanu did for his kingdom.

He only had one weakness, his daughter Tamina, who was one of the fierce warriors of her kingdom but Atanu always tried to protect her and never allowed her to fight in any battle. She would sometimes go mad and at times she would adore her father, who was always trying to protect her from the world.

But she was brave enough to lead her own battle and she always looked for a chance to show her skills in a battlefield. Atanu was aware of this very fact, he has seen his daughter training and felt proud that she could beat even the best of the men of his army. But he was afraid of losing her, he was afraid what if the rulers take advantage of his daughter. He was afraid if he allowed her to fight, the battle would change her completely.

Tamina had a very few friends, all the girls of her age were either married or were about to; she had no intentions of getting married and she wanted to carry the legacy of her father and keep the people of her kingdom safe.

While growing up at a very young age she understood how this world worked. She had her own battles deep within and all she wanted was to showcase her father the skills that she has inculcated in her over a period of time.

For a young girl of her age, growing up was a pain. Every now and then she had to dodge the same question of getting married to some ruler’s son. A lot of them who called themselves prince of their kingdom even tried to ask for her hand but in turn, she would ask them to defeat her in combat and then she would happily marry them.

But the request was often turned down. For the so-called prince, fighting a girl was a major issue and if by any chance getting defeated by a girl would surely put an end to their lives.

This is a story about Tamina, a fierce warrior of the 14^th century who meets Marc, a traveller and how their life changes.   

Like a crazy head she would roam around the city, carrying her beautiful smile she would often almost kill people. Like a humble being, she would always help people around her but sulk alone most often.

She is like everything in one and one in everything. You know she is fierce and a brave heart. The knight in the shining armour. She would always lead the struggle of her life. Challenges had made her so strong, people around her couldn't understand the complexity of her head.

Deep within, she always wished for her own prince. She was tired of the so-called princes around her and felt they were so naïve. She was waiting for someone who would try to make peace with the chaos in her head. Someone who would love her for the way she is and someone who would make her feel lively and happy again.

Tamina was sitting near the window of her room, combing her hair still lost in the sea of thoughts in her head. Watching outside the window, she always longed for love, someone who would try and make her happy. Someone who is equally as crazy as she is and humble at the same time.

Her loneliness has left her in a different state, she is longing for someone who will bring her back in that romantic mode but not evade the real world also.

Tamina would always take some time off and spend her time near a lake. The lake was surrounded by a dark forest and she would never take any guards with her. Though her father always tried to keep an eye on her through one of his men, she would always evade from the eyes of her father’s minions.

She knew she was capable of taking care of herself. She understood her father’s fear but she would always insist to allow her to spend some time alone in the woods.

Tamina reached the lake and tied her horse to a tree. She took her sword with her and sat down near the lake. She closed her eyes and absorbed the chirping of birds, the cool breeze, the sound of leaves and the echoes in the mountain.

It always gave her the peace her mind needed. She was sitting holding grass in her hand when suddenly her eyes spotted someone. She hid behind the trees immediately and took out her sword. She peeked through one corner and saw a man washing his face at a distance near the lake.

She has never seen him. He carried a small bag but no sword. He was alone and his clothes seemed quite dirty. She moved through the other side of the lake and keeping herself low, she made her way towards him.

She was sure he hasn’t noticed her yet. She walked a few steps and grabbed his neck from behind with her left hand and put her sword at his chest with her right hand and said, “Who are you? I have never seen you here before.”

The man was cautious and scared. He dropped his bag and said, “Because this is the first time I am visiting your city. I mean no harm.”

“Who are you?” she asked him again.

“Only if you leave me, I will tell you,” he said.

Tamina put her sword down and released him from her clutches. The man fell on the ground coughing, holding his neck he let out a sigh of relief.

“Is this the way you treat your guests here?” the man said, still coughing.

Tamina extended her hand, as he took it and got up on his legs.

“My name is Marc. I am a traveller and I wanted to meet King Atanu. I have heard so much about him. I was really tired so I thought I would freshen up a bit before you grabbed my neck. You have a strong grip,” he said.

“Why you wish to meet him?” Tamina inquired, still not sure about the man.

“I have heard so much about him and I would like to meet him in person. A fan, you can say,” Marc said with a big grin on his face.

“Why should we trust you?” she asked him again.

“You don’t have to trust me. You can just summon me in front of your king and I will take care of the rest. Look I don’t even have a knife to kill anyone. I can hardly kill an insect. I travel and I write. I would like to write about King Atanu,” he said looking into Tamina’s eyes.

She looked into his eyes and she knew he was telling the truth. His eyes seemed truthful but what if she is making a mistake, still kept darting in her head.

“I am sorry, you cannot meet the King. You should return back,” Tamina said as she took her horse and went back to the castle.

Marc stood there watching her, realising he has never been manhandled by a woman, by such beauty and he never thought a beautiful lady like her can have such a strong grip. His neck was still hurting.

“I shall try again,” he said with a smirk and made his way towards the castle.

To be continued...

Source: http://vickirby.com/fishart/fish_stuff/uploads/2012/10/VY6Y1860.jpg

Through the tough times, keep smiling...

I am writing this for you, for all those who are at a juncture where suddenly the road ahead seems blurry, where suddenly you are feeling choked and you feel you might break down at any given point of time.

I am not writing this to inspire you, I don’t know whether I can inspire you or not. But I am compelled to write this because when I see you getting distorted by life and its insecurities, it saddens my soul. The question must be here why?

A few years ago, I decided to change the flow of my own life and since then I have been working on it, still waiting for that one moment when I will feel that I have reached closer to it. It hasn’t happened yet, I don’t know when it will happen but I know one thing that how much ever time it takes I am not going to stop fighting.

I am not going to stop fighting the demons that surround me every time I am left alone in the vicinity of myself. I am not going to stop believing in myself and that no matter what the world tells me, what the society feel about me, I am never going to stop believing in myself.

It is easy to put faith in people whom you idolise but every time we forget that we need to believe in ourselves first.

Today, when I see people whom I love the most falling apart, feeling as if it is the end of the world and getting carried away by these negative emotions, I feel terrible. Not only because I love them, but because I feel as if a part of me, is losing. Losing the battle I started for changing things in my life because I didn’t like it.  

To all of you, who are reading and who are at the same juncture where you want to do what you want to but you are not able to muster up the courage to confront it or you have already taken the step but are now afraid of losing. This is for you all.

It is good to be scared, you may ask why? Because if you are scared you have given a thought to your life. You have analysed its flow and you are scared what if you don’t make it where you want to see yourself. And it is natural to be scared. And it is good to be scared.

But don’t let this fear overpower you. Don’t let this fear drive you to a point where you leave everything behind and everyone behind. When this feeling dawns upon us, we are so scared that we start getting beaten up by our insecurities every day. We started feeling that maybe we will lose, we won’t win and we keep disturbing ourselves by asking the same question over and over again.

Yes. There is this fear which always surrounds us and tries to feel terrible. But don’t let the fear drive you, instead you need to drive this fear and push it to the corner of your head. 

Forgetting about it is not happening here and you cannot take it out of your head definitely. But push it to the corner of your head. Because this is only a glitch that has come in your universe, because you have decided to change the flow of your life. It is natural that your decision will be followed by a glitch and now it is trying to mess with your head. It is trying to make you believe that you will not succeed and you will have to settle down for something you don’t want.

But believe me, this is nothing but only a glitch to test your will, to harass your mind and to distract you from reaching where you have just headed for.

There comes a time, when you start feeling that this very phase of your life is unexplainable to others. You cannot explain what you are going through and nobody tries to understand you. It happens. We can’t help it. Why people cannot understand I don’t know but not everyone are like that.

There is a bunch of people, who knows you are messed up in your head and they are only trying to help you to make peace with your brain. They do not offer help because they feel you are not capable of handling on your own, but because they really love you and they are only trying to do anything they can in their own capacity.

When we are at a juncture where life seems clueless and road ahead seems blurry, we start filtering people from our life. Actually there is no need of it. When you begin your own journey, where you do what you wish to, people who don’t like it will automatically vanish from your life. Especially when you are a difficult point, they will automatically pack their bags and leave. Because they don’t want trouble. They were there to enjoy the good times and it is not in their capacity to stay by your side during those difficult times that life gives you.

But there always be a few people who will always be there for you. A fewer will also go to an extent of walking over the flames for you. For the same reason that they want you to do great in life and they want to see you shinning like a sun and if it takes them to walk over a sea of flames they would happily do that.

Losing and winning is two sides of life like a coin, we all know this but we always want to win. It is great to win, yes, but there are times when you might lose. When that happens, cry your heart out because it hurts, but get up and keep trying. No one is stopping you from trying and believe yourself you will win.

Don’t give up on your life, don’t give up on the people around you and don’t give up on your decisions. I don’t know whether you will succeed or not. No one knows. We just know what we have to do today, we don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow. So why break our head thinking about the possibilities instead why not work for today and see how it goes.

There is no point of feeling low thinking about something you don’t even know what it is about. Life is a battle where we all fight. People say no one stays with you, you are alone and no one will stay with you.

I don’t agree to this at all. Yes, true life is a battlefield where you sometimes win and sometimes you lose. You learn something every time though. And people will stay with you only if you are willing to let them. Because people who want to leave have left already, but there are a few who want to stay till the end and they want to hold you tightly when you are done fighting your own battle. While you are fighting your own battle, even they are fighting their own battle and that is why they connect with you, because they can feel the same pain and they are wandering around for some love and companionship.

What we have gone through in our past has moulded us in a way we are today. And yes we are strong at the same time, we are vulnerable and most of the time we are scared of not facing the same situation again in life that made us the way we are today. We are scared of the bad things that happened in our past. We are scared what if they get repeated.

I don’t know whether it will get repeated or not. I don’t know the future. But it is more like not willing to walk on road because we are scared what if a car hits you while you were only trying to walk. And what if when that car hits you, your life gets over.

Yes, we have faced complexities in our past. In some or the other way, it has been embedded in us but till when you will keep running away from something only because you are scared what it will do to you.

Maybe it will go the way you wish to deep within, maybe it won’t. But running away will never give you the answer and maybe you will lose something because you were too scared to make it yours. It will keep waiting for you however, until it can breathe but if you leave it because of your fear; if you never welcome it back in your life because of your life; it will die waiting.

Life is not easy and why it should be. We get it only once, and we have so many things to do. It comes with a price. But keeping everything aside, don’t stop believing in yourself. Don’t stop doing what you are going to do only because you are scared about the possibilities. Just know this is what you want to do and you don’t have any other option but to do well because this is your life which you have got only once. 

“Sichata Hai Yahaan Jo Bagiya Ko, Wahi Phool Bhi Paave,

Raahi Ka Toh Kaam Hai Chalaatahi Jaave…

Ghume Kabse Dagar Dagar, Tu Mann Ko Yeh Samajhaave

Raahi Ka Toh Kaam Hai Chalataahi Jaave…”

Source: http://kingofwallpapers.com/inspiring/inspiring-001.jpg

Tug of War...

"73.5%? Seriously? This is how you're going to intrigue your future? Your career? Look at the 12th Board mark sheet. That 93.5% is ashamed of you! Look at yourself! How flawed and maimed you have become... What that busty social monster has done to you!"

My heart compelled my eyes to immerse itself in the salty secretion of lachrymal gland. Those words of my inner voice constantly echoed and pricked my heart's papillary muscles and I couldn't hold back those 'tears' anymore.

That one drop slowly rolled down my cheek, captivated in the gloominess and despair. "You're right..." I blurted out finally.

"Of course I am. I always was but only if you did listen. Even Success and Confidence have left us. Tell me, being social really helped? Trying to be an extrovert which you can never be? Going out for a series of movies and ignoring your responsibilities towards studies?

“Instead of nourishing your talents, you spend hours at trying to socialise with people... Did it help?"

Salty tears now overflowed, shooed away the last trace of hope and embraced forlornness and desolation. Heart felt too weak to speak on my favour. Brain joined the chiding session...

"And yes, you even fell in that stupid love. I warned you repeatedly, but do you even bother? You broke our precious heart. Look at it, it is still trying to heal itself, hiding its wounds from the world. My grey matter is tired of being nostalgic of those memories of that fake boy.

“Stop being emotionally overdramatic, will you? When will you grow up? Bring Determination and Success back in your life. Romantics or social bastard isn't going to fetch you anything. Stop brooding over them and work for the love of career. Fight for your passion. Nurture your talents. Grow up girl."

'GROW UP GIRL'. Yes. I will. I promise. I hereby stop bothering about this fake world and for once and all, I will start living for myself again. She said to herself as tears made their way down her cheek but she didn’t care to wipe it.

- Anonymous 

Source: https://w-dog.net/wallpaper/my-loneliness-girl-silhouette-night-moon/id/347089/

Falling into the darkness…

It is close to midnight, he is sitting on his bed quietly and looking at the clock ticking and his heart is waiting anxiously, when the minute hand will move and begin a new day. There is an eerie silence everywhere, even the distant barks of dogs doesn’t affect him today.

It’s been ten days now, since he has been feeling this way but he has no clue, what to do about it. He has been trying to embrace his darkness but every night he is scared, he is not able to sleep. He feels suffocated as if someone is trying to choke him to death but not killing him actually.

It is the feeling of suffering that envelopes him every night, it is the feeling of loneliness that holds him tightly into its clutches and it is the feeling of self-destruction that makes him feel scared from his own shadow.

He feels what if the darkness within him comes out and shatters every dream, and destroy him completely. What if the negativity that has recently surrounded him will leave him with no friends and no one to love him? What if the shade he is under will destroy him forever?

“I have already lost my innocence long back,” he reflects. He is sitting with his leg folded, his head aches. It feels as if it is going to burst, someone is hammering it from inside. “I was once a happy kid,” he tells himself.

“Then what happened?” he hears a voice coming from a distance. He gets up and checks his balcony but there is no one. “It is in my head,” he says as he lay down on his bed. He has left the door to balcony open for some air, it is suffocating in here.

It is past midnight now and another scary night awaits for him as sleep is a far-fetched dream now. But why suddenly he has started feeling this way? Why his heart is heavy all the time? Why his head aches? And there is so much of negativity. He switches off the light as the characters of his book appears in his room.

This is not the first time, he is seeing things so he is not surprised but he is trying to deviate his mind by thinking about some other thing. But he is not thinking about them either then why they are here every night.

“Because we are here to remind you that you need to burst the bubble you are living in and accept the reality,” says Rehan, sitting by the side of balcony.

“I am not living in any bubble,” he says in his mind and distracts himself by playing some music in his phone.

“You are not going to be happy ever in your life. Since your childhood you have been sad and you will be sad forever. Happiness is your illusion and if you don’t come out of that illusion then you will destroy yourself and destroy everyone around you,” Rehan says.

He is feeling really weak and scared. He is trying to ignore what Rehan is saying but it is in his head. He dials her number, it rings three times and no one picks up. He dials her number again, it rings three times and no one picks up.

“Remember, I tried plenty of times and no one picked my call either and that is why I am like a grumpy soul which you will turn into too because I am the imagination of your head. Somewhere, I reside within you,” Rehan smirks.

He leaves few messages for her. And dials her number again. He wished if she was here then he would never feel this scared. Because when she is around him, he feels secured and safe in her arms. But she is asleep.

“There is still some time, you can save yourself from sufferings,” Rehan says and disappears.

His heart is really heavy, he feels like crying. He keeps his phone aside and tries to sleep. He close his eyes and he hears Arpita’s voice.

“Don’t worry and don’t listen to Rehan. He is only trying to play with your mind. She is sleeping that is why she is not picking up your call. Don’t worry and don’t think about anything. I know you are not even thinking anything of that sort but don’t listen to Rehan. You deserve to be happy and soon this will be over,” Arpita says to him stroking his hair.

He picks up his phone again and starts typing. He wants to tell her what is happening with him. He is not angry with her. He is only missing her. He is worried about his peace of mind. She was tired that’s why she fell asleep, and actually she has no clue what is going on in his head.

“Yes. She doesn’t know because you haven’t told her anything. You haven’t told her clearly what is disturbing you and I understand why you haven’t told her. She is already too occupied and you don’t want her to burden her. But tell her,” Arpita says.

He is typing everything that he is feeling and he is also hating himself for doing this, because he is worried when she will wake up in the morning she will be ambushed with so many messages and so many calls. And she will blame herself for falling asleep and not being there with him.

“But if you don’t tell her, you will die every day slowly and maybe Rehan will succeed in playing with your mind,” Arpita says.

“But I created both of you from my imagination. Then why you guys are trying to overpower me? What wrong did I do?” He screams as a lone tear rolls down from his eyes and there is no one around. He switches on the light and stand in the balcony. His head is getting really heavy and he feels as if he is going mad.

“I should sleep before I imagine more and go mad,” he says to himself and comes back to his room. He tries to close his eyes and sleep but it is coming back all over again. He picks up his phone and dials her number again. She isn’t picking up. He keeps trying. He types down what he is feeling. But he is feeling really sad, and cold and it feels as if he is going to suffer and he is never going to be happy in his life. He feels everyone is going to leave him and he will left alone, no one would like to talk to him and he is also afraid. If he continues to see things and listen to what they have to say then one day the world is going to label him as mad and everything he has made and earned would be gone in a stroke of a single second.

“But why I am feeling still so heavy after completing the saga?” he says.

Source: http://img05.deviantart.net/20cd/i/2013/338/b/5/drowning_by_kevron2001-d6wps8z.jpg

The Infinite Me!!!

There are times which changes the dynamics of your life. Maybe at that moment, you would have taken it like any other casual greetings but gradually you saw yourself getting into the moment. You witnessed how miraculously the mystery unfolded right in front of your naked eyes and all you could do was smile at your luck.

But why luck? Why we always blame luck for our miseries? Or always compliment luck after succeeding in doing something. Or is it that you happened to do certain thing because you thought luck was on your side else you couldn’t have reached far? So who is this luck? Is he or she? Has anyone ever seen him? Does he hang around the tea stall near every office where people keep cursing him for the job they have or does she appear like a mystic beauty suddenly out of the blue and people burst out in joy in the astonishment of their “luck”.

I know you must be thinking is he high or what rubbish he is talking about. We humans have this tendency of linking everything to something and drawing our own conclusions based upon the scientific calculation that goes in everyone’s head. 

You failed in exam because you were unlucky to miss the question you thought you should study but left it thinking it won’t come. You secured good marks in your exam because you were lucky that questions you studied came in your exam. These are a few instances from our day to day life and if you try to reflect upon it, you would notice that maybe we all are missing the bigger picture, maybe the bigger question or the larger significance of unfolding of events that always leave us dumbstruck.

Can it be other way round? I mean, I don’t understand the language when people say that things happened in the way it had to because everything is written by someone who holds our destiny and who runs our world.

What if there is no one sitting up there, there is no one to make plans for us or write our future? Maybe whatever happens is only the outcome of perfectly balanced infinite string of multiverse. What if there are infinite possibilities of our single life and anytime anything changes in the parallel universe, it has its effect on us here.

I know I cannot prove anything. But can you prove someone is writing your future? I guess no.

For instance, maybe there are infinite me in the parallel universes and anytime one among the infinite me makes a decision, it reflects on all the me and that is why we make certain decisions in life out of nowhere and somewhere those decisions either make us or break us.

There are times when we look at someone and feel as if I know them already. Even if I am talking to them for the first time in my life, I will feel as if I know them from a long time. And then we humans who are good in doing what we do best, we tell people that perhaps you met this person in your previous life and that is how you feel the connection. Wow, so enigmatic!

What if I say maybe that person you just met, you know them from a little while in parallel universe and because you met them in a parallel universe, it took some time to make that change in your life in this universe and somehow knowingly or unknowingly you bumped into that person and suddenly you felt you know them because you actually know them.

Obviously, you wouldn’t know the intricate details about that person. You wouldn’t know what they like to eat or drink or wear but there is a strong vibe that tells you about the person and whether or not you would like to meet them or talk with them again. And if in the parallel universe you mean something to that person, you will realise the bonding between the two of you is spectacular. Maybe things don’t work out between couples because they are not in sync with the infinite string of multiverses and to avoid that glitch which may impact the rest of you in the multiverses, the relation breaks and once again, you are on your way to bump into the one for you.

I know people can say I am not making sense and it is fine. Because I believe in something but not necessary that everyone should believe in it.

Source: http://s.hswstatic.com/gif/what-is-multiverse-1-orig-1.jpg

A home away from home...

A decade has passed by,

Still feels like yesterday,

When I grabbed my bag,

And wandered into the unknown.

Though every single day,

I thought about you;

Though never expressed,

The feelings suppressed inside.

The color of festivals,

Bring back those memories,

Still fresh and vivid in my mind,

Like it was yesterday.

The days when my dad's voice,

Used to wake me up,

And scolding from mom,

For staying awake till late.

When a week before,

Preparations used to start,

When we were always ready,

To strike a war.

Pockets filled with color packets,

Hand holding our gun.

Dodging every single splash of water,

That came our way,

Nudging people to make way through,

To the den of our friends.

Holi was only a reason,

To celebrate the togetherness...

Shirts were torn but not a single scratch,

Faces were colored yet no respite,

Unless we were satisfied coloring our small world,

There was no going back.

Once back at home,

We were welcomed with a plate of delicacies;

Pua and chicken used to be my favourite.

But wash your hand before you pick,

Were my mom's favorite line,

I have missed a lot lately,

Realised my mind.

When the entire house,

Used to be filled with the fragrance of delicacies,

We used to pick and choose,

Used to feel like a royal feast.

When washing away the colors,

Used to be a pain,

But make sure you look normal,

Used to be the game.

Evenings were serene and beautiful,

As we were welcomed everywhere.

Holi was the reason,

We were allowed to stay outside till late,

With nothing to do,

But hang out with a bunch of friends.

Now things are different,

But heart longs to revisit those lanes again.

I get up and make my own coffee,

With no one to wake me up,

I can stay out whole night,

But no one will ask me,

I can eat with dirty hands,

And no one will scold me,

It is Holi today,

Then why doesn't it feel like,

My pockets aren't full of colors,

Neither I have my gun.

I will wake up on the day,

And cook my own food,

There is no one hiding in a den,

To paint them with color.

A decade that I have spent,

Without you my home,

I miss you every single day,

I wish I come back soon...

Source: https://www.zoomcar.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/1.jpeg

The burdened soul...

Source: https://www.makewav.es/post/388671/title/lostintheforest

I wake up every morning,
And a feeling of anxiety wraps me.
Looks like I have reached a dead end,
Gloomy nights and blurry mornings awaits,
A feeling of being caged resides.

When I look back,
I know I have survived the stormy nights,
And smiled through the dark clouds.
I know I have sailed through the rough tide,
And swam endless miles,
To reach the sea shore.

But the way forward is invisible,
And my soul paralyses.
With the thought of getting lost,
Or spending an entire lifetime,
On the only island.

My boat is wrecked,
And oars are missing,
And no ship in sight,
I lit the bonfire,
And keep myself warm.

I have befriended my solitude here,
And talk with myself.
To get over the feeling of being isolated,
I eat leaves and fruits,
And use its juice,
To heal my wounds.

The world has forgotten me,
And no come here to check on me.
Why no one ask where have I disappeared,
Why no one tries to find my lost soul,
Do I have to live like this forever?
My heart keeps asking me.

I am haunted by nightmares,
And stay awake in fear.
What if I become a prey?
For the vultures will feast on my dead body,
Or wild animals will find me somewhere,
Why I have to keep running?

My soul is burdened,
And heart is heavy.
Mind is numb,
And the forest is dark,
When will I find light,
And when the night will end...

source: http://theartmad.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Dark-Forest-11.jpg

Voyage through the sea of flames…

My life in past three years has changed drastically and dramatically. Three years ago, on this day I was in Chennai surviving each night and knocking at the doors of several IT companies to get a job. My life seemed clueless then and had no idea where it would go after the end of my college.

Three years ago, I spent my birthday clearing several rounds only to get rejected in the end during the placement drive. I returned quite late and had no intentions of celebrating my birthday. I was amid a storm and after getting rejected on the most special day of my life, I lost all my hopes. I cried entire night silently, sitting at one corner and thinking how will I make something out of my life when nothing is going in my favour. Who knew it was a beginning of something new, fresh and something which is going to change the dynamics of my life.

A few months down the line, I found myself in Delhi among aspiring journalists. After a lot of convincing, fighting and pleading to my parents, I was given one last opportunity to fight the battle again. But the only difference was, I was allowed to take the road "not taken" by anyone I knew in my family. I was allowed to carve my own path.

Three years later, when I look back I feel generous to all the rejections and failures that came in to my life only to make me stronger. I haven't conquered the world yet, not that I have become famous but gradually I am making my place in the world of journalism.

The storm had hit me hard not once, not twice but twenty consecutive times back to back. I faced twenty back to back rejections during the placement drive back in engineering college because I had low grades. It was true, I didn't belong there.

I cursed my life every day for blocking my path everytime. Who knew the universe was busy making other plans for me. And who knew I would change my stream from engineering to journalism.

With this, I will also complete two years as a correspondent for the largest newspaper of India. However, this is only the beginning.

I have found my path, now I only need to carve it to reach where I want to see myself. I remember the time when I realised that all I wanted to do in my life is travel and find those beautiful stories and pen it down so that the world lives it through my eyes. I am reaching closer to it. Gradually. I am getting there.

And with this, I wish my life witnesses another beginning in the literary world - where I am trying to establish myself as a writer.

The beauty of struggle is that it makes you humble. With every failure coming in your way, gradually you will start embracing your failures and channelizing the negative energy in to making something positive out of your life.

I was once a short tempered guy. I remember almost every other day at school I would get in to a fight and obviously being the skinny guy I was most of the time I used to get beaten up. But I never stopped fighting. But gradually things changed and with every struggle I learnt to control my temper. I would become quiet whenever I was angry and it helped me not only to control but I started observing things.

I would be found always in a corner, observing people from a distance and gradually it helped me to express myself through writing. On a piece of paper I would pour out my heart and it felt really good, deep within.

I felt as if I got wings. And I enjoyed being in the vicinity of my solitude and jotting down every emotions I was going through. And this gave birth to a writer inside me, which always wanted to come out. But I was scared. And kept it inside the prison of my mind until one day when I felt really broken and weak and I started this blog in 2010 and there was no looking back.

In past two years, I have been irregular in updating my blogs and I realised when I received several fan mails, messages from friends, family and peers to keep updating my blog. I am trying every day to do write something but it gets really difficult to balance both work and blog at the same time.

And during this three year journey, many left and few came in to my life. And someone, who is the special one, arrived suddenly and made my life beautiful. Took me out of the blockade I was going through, taught me to get back on my feet dust myself and continue to write until I finish the unfinished task.

With a promise to keep marching forward and continue my fight, I rest my fingers now.

"Happy birthday to me."

Why won't you let me in?

I don't ask for more,

But just to be there,

By your side.

When the sun shines,

And the moon appears,

When the wind blows,

And the clouds turn dark.

When the tide is rough,

And ship wrecks in between.

I am sorry, if I cannot understand you,

But help me understand.

I know things are not in your favor,

But wait for the dark clouds to get clear.

For I know the path is not easy to walk,

But wait till you reach the destination.

For life is full of hurdles,

It's the loved ones you can count for,

To be around in the bad times and good,

Because they want to always be there.

Because you are that lovely,

I cannot ignore your problems,

For I love you too much,

But I am sorry if I have annoyed you.

For I didn't want to do it,

But let me in, for its too cold out here!

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