I Too Had A Love Story...

“Why won’t you let me die?” she asked him

He stayed quiet. Never in his life had he thought about this day. Not even in his wildest of dreams had he thought that someday he will see her in this condition.

“I want to put an end to my sufferings. I can’t live like this anymore. Why don’t you say anything? I am tired of all this. The pain has worsened with time; you can’t keep me alive for long. Its time when you free me from all the pain, free my soul.” she said

“Do you remember the day I left you; I left a part of me that day with you. I tried forgetting you, tried hating you but I couldn’t. I thought that I had lost you forever. But after two years you again came in my life. However the situation has changed drastically now and I don’t want to leave this chance. I don’t want to live my life with guilt. I want to try, give it all I could, to save you. If I let you die today, I will have to let myself die here with you then. I am not doing this for you; I am doing this for my life.” he said

With that tears started trickling down her cheek. He wiped it with his hand and left her alone in the ICU.

“I have always loved you…” she shouted as he walked out of the room.

 He went downstairs, sat on a bench and he broke down. He couldn’t control his tears. He never thought that his one decision would take someone’s life. The whole flashback replayed in his mind, he felt a pat on his shoulder which brought him back into reality.

“I can’t let her die. I have to save her at any cost.” He said more to himself than to the doctor.

“You have done a lot for her; she has no complaints from you. But her condition is very critical and you have to understand that. We all are doing all what we can do to save her life. But if she is not willing to fight then I am afraid we won’t be able to help that much.” Doctor said

“Please save her, I lost her already two years before. I don’t want to lose her again.” He said

The doctor held his hand and said, “We are trying hard. But the excessive dosage of drugs has made her body weak. She doesn’t have the immunity in her body to fight. It has damaged many parts of her body. And her addiction has reached that level that after every now and then we have to keep her on sedatives. I want to know what happened to her.”

“I know her from past 5 years, we were in relationship. I broke up with her two years before, the reason being a misunderstanding. One of my friend, Anamika, she was very much obsessed about me. I liked her as a friend but she expected love. When I proposed Ananya, she was very jealous of her since that day. And later on she created a situation where Ananya was proved disloyal towards me. However that was all a part of the plan which was knitted meticulously by Anamika, Ananya was not aware of anything neither was I. Unaware of the plan I was made to meet Ananya urgently and what I saw left me shaken. Ananya was totally unaware of what had just happened and immediately she tried to make me understand the simple fact that even she was a victim of the same plan which Anamika made to separate us. But I didn’t listen to what she had to say and I broke up with her. Ananya tried to bring me back in her life but that never happened. I left the city soon enough, and Ananya was left alone. She started smoking and boozing. Later on she started going out for rave parties and ended up becoming a drug addict. I got to know all this from a friend of mine, but it was too late then. When I came back to this city, one night I saw Ananya lying unconscious outside a small pub late at night and I brought her here. She loved me a lot, I should have trusted her. But I was stupid. I saw what Anamika made me to see and all hell broke loose.” He said

“Did she stay with her parents?” the doctor asked

“No. She stayed in a hostel. She was in my college; she came here to complete her graduation.” He said

“Do they know about her condition?” the doctor asked

“Yes, I have informed them. I told them that she has met an accident. They will reach here by tomorrow.” He said

“What happened in your past is not the justification of what is happening now. Ananya couldn’t bear the pressure of your break-up, but ending up as a drug addict is not justified. You must stop blaming yourself now. If you don’t forgive yourself now then you will end up spending a life full of guilt and regret. Few things are meant to be in such a way. No one has a say in front of the laws of nature. She knows that you blame yourself for her suffering. And that’s why she wants to put an end to her sufferings. If you don’t free yourself now, then she won’t be able to free her soul. You love her is a fact but the chances of saving her is almost negligible is also a fact. And life is based on facts. And now I shall leave you in peace but reflect on my words if you think it’s worth it.”

And with that the doctor left for his home as his shift got over. He got up from the bench after a while, went upstairs, and entered into her room to find her sleeping. He held her hand, kissed on her forehead and whispered into her ear, “You are gonna live, don’t worry.”

The road ahead seems blurry…

In the journey of my life so far, never I got anything so easily. For everything I had to fight, after every little moment of success, I have faced endless nights of failure. Nothing came in my life so easily. Whenever things seemed to be easy, they always kept on changing quite dramatically. But I never gave up. I kept on walking the path of life, always played with the struggling phase in the hope that someday I would shine.

But now things seem to be different. The state of mind is very disruptive. The mind gets deviated; the chain of thoughts is often left incomplete. Often I feel weak, often my soul cries. “Why” is the only thing which circulates in my mind. They say, always keep a positive frame of mind and move ahead in life. But this part of my life is taking a toll on me. This part of my life is called, “the confused part.” Everything is blurry, nothing is clear. Every time my fate is trying to knock me down. I am tired of getting up every time now. The journey which I started long back in the quest of the shining sun seems to be going nowhere now. I am tired of the dark hours of night now. I don’t know when my life will see the face of a shining sun. Every now and then something pops up into my life and changes its dynamic. Why can’t I get things easily like many others? Why I have to fight for each and everything? They say, the more you face obstacles the better life you have in future. But the future seems blurry now. Life has always been unpredictable in my case but I need a break from all this now. I don’t know when that day will come, when I will be able to set my mind free, laugh aloud, live freely and dance on the tunes of life. I don’t know when the fate will switch its side in my favour again. I don’t know when my luck will become my lady love. I don’t know when my hard work will be finally paid off.

Everything seems new, everything seems uncertain, everyone seems strange and all I could see around is pain, regrets and sorrow. The pain of failure, the regret for not taking the advantage of the opportunity and sorrow for not having luck in my favour. People will say, start extracting positive things from this phase, it’s a learning experience for you and all you have to do is keep yourself pumped up and move ahead. It’s true we have to accept things and move along with life but I am tired of everything now. If you see from my point of view, you can’t see anything at all. The road ahead seems so blurry now…

Chennai Rains…

I don’t know when I fell in love with her…

Since my childhood, I don’t know why but I never liked Chennai very much. And that was the only reason I never wanted to come to Chennai to pursue my graduation. But things never work the way we always want. And I ended up here. The first impression like many others was the same – “hot and humid.” Initially I even faced a bit of language problem. But in few months I got used to it. And I never realized when I was dissolved into this city. It’s been three years now and no wonder I want to leave this place as soon as I can. But deep down even I know, when I will say goodbye to this city I will miss my days here. It has given me those moments for which I had craved so much. This city has taught me so many things in past three years. I have grown as a human being and I can say that I have so many moments which I can treasure in my heart forever. But one day I will have to leave this city, leave this place and move to another. That’s the law of nature. To reach where we always aspire to see ourselves, we should always keep on moving ahead without looking in the past. And when that day will come, then who knows I might not even want to leave everything that I have earned here and go away. Summer and Monsoon has been special for Chennai because here we don’t see any other climate. And during the monsoon season, it’s quite amazing to go for a drive around the city. 

In past few weeks, she has made a special place in my heart. Now when only six months are left, I have started liking this city. And adding few spices has been the lovely unpredictable rain that this city has. Never before in the past had the rain seemed so lovely to me. Never before in the past had the sea breeze at night seemed so cool. The climate is quite unpredictable here. It will be a hot sunny day and in a blink of your eye it will start raining heavily. And I have been its victim on many such occasions leaving me completely drenched and content. Why it’s like this way? When the time is near of my departure, why this city is suddenly attracting me towards it? Was this the same way before or it took me so much of time to understand it. Or things have changed with time? Whatever it is, the lovely rain has made its special place in my heart. And I guess I’m falling in love with her… 

The story of a kitten…

It was a very tiring day for me and Rishab. For no reason we had to roam around the whole day in this hot weather of Chennai, leaving us tiresome more than usual. We crashed at Rishab’s place in evening where Pranav and Subho were already waiting for us. After an hour or two, Vivek came to Rishab’s place with a small surprise. He was holding his bag very cautiously in his hand. We thought he has brought beers for us but instead he took out one cute looking kitten. The kitten was very skinny and was shivering with fear. While coming to Rishab’s place Vivek almost ran over the kitten. Fortunately nothing happened and the kitten was saved. But looking at her condition Vivek felt bad and took her with him on his bike. As soon as he kept the kitten on the floor she started searching for a place to crash. I was feeling uncomfortable, not that I am scared of them. It just makes me a little uncomfortable. She was cute but very weak. It seemed as if she didn’t get anything to eat from a long time. We bought milk and bun for her; tried feeding her but it was in vain. The kitten was sleepy and not in a mood to eat at all. I asked Vivek to leave her for a while; perhaps she needs some time to adjust in this new environment. After a while she got up and started strolling around the room looking for something to eat. So we gave her a bowl of milk and to our surprise the milk was left untouched by the kitten. Then we tried feeding her the bun. She ate the bun but didn’t go near the milk. I was surprised to see a kitten that didn’t even touch the milk for the first time in my life. The only reason we kept on feeding the kitten was because we were scared looking at her condition, what if she dies was the only question that kept circulating in our head. And no one wanted that to happen. So forcibly we made her eat something and then she crashed in one corner.

That was a noble gesture by Vivek who actually saved the life of a kitten; we however played a very small part in taking care of the kitten. Probably it is not a big deal but even if it is a small thing it meant a lot to us. We felt really good that we all played a role in saving a life. And then when she woke up, she was quite active. Vivek had to go early so he couldn’t witness that moment. The kitten was in a playful mood and kept on playing around till the wee hours of morning. And I, on the other hand was watching her play. I didn’t sleep because I was afraid what if she goes out of the window or some other cat enters the room in our absence and something unusual happens with the kitten. That feeling kept me awake till 6 in the morning when finally the kitten slept off; I went inside the room and crashed on the bed. She made me sit and watch her play whole night. But I tell you, it was one of the finest moments of life. I could see the joy in her eyes, the joy of getting a new life. I found myself at peace after that. Sometimes we happen to do something which stays with us forever. And whenever we remember that moment, it gives us the moment of peace and joy. Sometimes we end up doing something for which we feel proud of ourselves. And I was proud to have friends like Vivek, Rishab, Pranav and Subho who took care of the kitten after that night. Now whenever I go to their place, I find the kitten in a great mood and good health. She got adjusted in her new environment quite easily and now she is a part of their family.

Always be a helping hand, you never know when you end up saving someone’s life.

It’s our Perspective, which matters the most…

“If you think, your game is over – It is.

If you think, you can win – You will.

If you think, you can’t do something - You can’t.

If you think, you can reach heights – You can.”

Life is all about how we make it. Our perspective matters the most. In all those tough times, our perspective holds the key to success. And when we succeed in achieving something what we always wanted to achieve then we grow. The number of obstacles you overcome is always proportional to a person’s growth. Why we grow the most in those tough times? The answer is quite simple. When everything seems fine, we don’t even bother to think about all such things. But when we are in trouble, we start evaluating our life, analyzing our hard work and wander in search of the key which will lead us towards the path of success. The more the struggle we encounter during the start of our journey the more comfortable our life will be. Everyone has to struggle in their life. Some do at an early age for some it comes quite late. If that phase comes in your life at an early age then remember that the rest of your life is spent in a more matured and proper way. You will know exactly how to deal with tough situations, how you will survive in those calamities. That’s because at an early age you have learnt a lot about life, and then we start looking at our life from then on with a new perspective, a new angle. The perspective to lead a life, which we get after fighting those tough situations and surviving in those critical conditions. But if we struggle late in our life then our life gets disturbed. Life moves with a flow and if the flow is disrupted by anything very unusual then the whole life gets disturbed. Now the question will arise, is it in our hand? Can we control the outcome? No, not at all. Then is it our luck factor which count at times? Not exactly.

It depends actually upon many parameters. One among them is the way we are brought up. If someone has been brought up in tough situations, immediately they understand the aim of their life. If you have nothing with you, then you have a thirst to get what all you never had. But if someone was born with a silver spoon in his/her mouth, for most of them it takes some time to realize this fact of life. It’s not the mistake of a person till certain age if he/she doesn’t quite understand the need to struggle in life. It depends on their upbringing. But after certain age what happens is they actually don’t want to believe in the fact that sooner or later they have to struggle if they want to make a life on their own.

Life has many shades; each of them teaches us a lesson. It depends on how we perceive things in life. It also gives us signs at times, helps us when we are in trouble, it always supports us. But we always ignore the signs, never see the help that is always coming our way in many different forms and never believe in the support that we get. Why do we fall? Sometimes life leaves our hand to make us fall on the ground only to make us realize the fact that you can’t fly for long if you don’t know how to walk. In order to make us realize few things life leaves our hand mid-way and baaaaaam! We fall, we come crashing to ground and meet our new friend - Trouble. This new friends of ours plays with our mind, test our will power; check our limits and most importantly the thirst to do something in life. And when our new friend is satisfied and content with us then he drops us at our place yet again called Life.

Trust your instinct, have faith in yourself and then you will see how your life will blossom in front of your eyes. Dark clouds will always hover around and every time it does, we have to go out there in search of the shinning sun which will take us out from the tough times and guide us to a new direction, a new path. But remember it will only guide us; it’s us who will have to walk all long. Life is what you make it, and in that process it’s our perspective which steals the show…

Black Friday…

Continuation from “72 hours of my life which I will never forget…”

I went to college on Friday after spending 72 hours in pain and fear. The only reason behind my going to college was the need for a change in my environment. At home I was alone and surrounded by all the negativities. I had no one to talk to, no one to crack poor jokes unlike in college I was always surrounded by so many people. I took all my medicines with me incase if I felt sick in college I will have it then and there. When I reached my college, first thing I did was have breakfast. I went to the canteen accompanied by two of my friends and ordered a plain dosa with water melon juice. I was way too weak and it showed from the look on my face. It’s been a long time since I went to college so everyone who passed by kept on asking me what has happened to me and I was tired of explaining it to everyone. It felt good though to know so many people were concerned doesn’t matter if that was just for the sake of formality. At this moment I needed such kind of sympathy and motivation from anyone and anywhere it came from. I ate half of the dosa and drank the glass of juice. I couldn’t eat more even though my friends kept on pushing me but I couldn’t swallow even a bit of dosa after that. I left it there and went back to my class with them. While sitting in class around so many people, it felt better. The first half passed by in a blink and after lunch hour we had lab. The first hour in lab was fine but gradually I started feeling uncomfortable. I started feeling cold and my body temperature was rising yet again. I immediately took my medicine, pulled down the sleeves of my shirt and waited for the bell to ring. But in such cases time passes way too slowly. And that was the case. This was the slowest 90 minutes of my life so far. Somehow I managed to pass my time till 4:00pm and as soon as the bell rang I was the first one to get out from the lab. I went straight to the bus stop and took the bus for my home. Fortunately I found a seat in the bus even at this hour. I was hungry and weakness was taking a toll on me with a bit of shivering and fever. After spending whole day at college I had exerted a lot and that made me more tired.

I shouldn’t have gone to college in this condition but I had no other option left. I had to trust my will power or else I will keep on drowning in this ocean of negative thoughts and bad health. I needed some energy to be pumped inside me but on the contrary I was drained out. As soon as I reached home I started searching for something to eat. I didn’t find anything apart from Maggi. So I ended up cooking a pack of Maggi. But again I couldn’t eat. I ate half of the whole thing, took my medicines and went back to sleep. After a bit of struggle I was on the verge of drifting into sleep when my phone rang and it was my cousin who has recently shifted from Bangalore to Chennai. I picked up his call and then I explained him my condition. He asked me if I needed something. I told him if it was possible for him then get some food for me as I was not in any condition to cook anything and going outside was not a good idea. He said he will drop by my place by 9:00pm and disconnected the call. I kept the phone beside my pillow and tried to sleep again. It was 7:00pm that time. After a while I started feeling drowsy but I got up. I decided to put some music so that it will keep me awake till the time my cousin comes by. I got up, put some music on my PC and came back to where I was sleeping. But when I came back to sleep, a sudden shiver shook my whole body. This time it was the worst one so far. I started feeling cold. I switched off the fan immediately and covered myself with 3 bed sheets. But that wasn’t enough. I cursed myself for waking up after almost drifting into sleep. And then after a while I started feeling nauseated. I got up quickly from my bed, went straight to the bathroom and puked my lungs out. I had nothing much in my stomach and whatever came out was only water like last time. But it made me way too weak this time. Last time when I puked I felt better, but this time I almost ran out of my breath while puking. However my head worked at the correct moment and I splashed water on face which gave me a bit of relief. I felt hungry again and nothing was there at my home to eat anything. I was too weak, my head was heavy. I was scared I might black out this time. No one was there at home and if something unusual happens then no one will ever get to know about it. So I opened up all the windows and the door of my flat incase if I faint then someone will spot me. I took a chair and sat near the door. After a while when I couldn’t resist my hunger I asked my landlord to get me a pack of biscuit and immediately he got one for me. I ate four biscuits and had a glass of glucose. I called up my cousin and asked him to get here as soon as he can and asked him to get me some fruits also. I was not sure till what time I will be in my consciousness. I went back to my room and lay down on my bed.

Lying on my bed I was staring at ceiling fan blankly. My mind had so many thoughts to process but it wasn’t able to do it. In past five days I hardly ate anything; my body was not getting the required nutrition and on the top of that puking was not helping either. I was scared for the first time in my life about my health. Whole week I have spent in fear. I was scared what if I lose my consciousness and nobody comes to help me out.  For the first time in my life I saw myself in such critical condition. My body has lost its immunity due to many reasons. One among them was my irregular eating habit. I never had breakfast in I don’t know how many years. And sometimes I use to skip lunch also. It has made my body hollow from inside even though from outside I looked like a tough guy but from within I was breaking. I felt like dying for the first time in my life. I asked god only one question, Why me??? My condition has not improved even a bit in past five days. I was in too much of pain and I wanted to get rid of this pain. I wanted to die at this moment so that my soul will be freed from the pain I was going through and the fear that kept me awake till late hours of morning. A life spent living in fear and pain is not worth living at all. Here I was lying like a lifeless soul on this bed and such insane yet philosophical thoughts invaded my mind. What happens after death? What will happen to this body after my death? Where my soul would go? Will I be able to see the world same way I see now? Or will I turn into ash with my cremation? Several questions started circulating in my head. No wonder why the subject of such questions was so weird. Who thinks of dying every day? Who thinks about life after death concept in their normal life? But here I was, fighting hard with an unknown disease to get my normal life back. The amount of pain that I have gone through in past five days has cleared out my head. They always say, “You need a shock in your life to get your life back on track.” Perhaps that shock was this for me and it cleared out many things in my head. Every day I use to decide what will I do once I am fit again. In my mind I always use to plan how will I keep myself fit again. And this time I was serious about it. I never wondered I would ever see myself in this condition at such an early age of my life. 

People might say, “What were you crying for? You were suffering from only a viral fever and nothing else.” But no one could ever understand how it has turned my life upside down. How it has brought me crashing down back to ground after flying for so long. Everything has its consequences. I never respected my body limits earlier, I always treated it like a machine and in that rush I forgot that everything has its breaking point. Even machines have a breaking point beyond which they can’t take up the load. And that’s was the reason I was in this condition. I saw this coming long back but ignored it completely. I never listened to my mom and dad when they kept on explaining me the benefit of eating at a proper time. And when you do that you always end up suffering with something. I made it a point to visit doctor next morning anyhow. In morning when I was getting ready for my college I thought I will be fine by evening. But it proved out to be a black Friday for me.

My cousin soon arrived with fruits and food for me. Looking at my condition he gave me few contact number of doctors nearby my place. I was just waiting for the morning to arrive. I was just waiting for this night to pass.

“This night will be the longest night of my life…” I reflected.

72 hours of my life, which I will never forget...

Never before in my life, had I felt so miserable and helpless. These 72 hours of my life were the most scary, torturous and violent hours of my life. It started from 26^th august 2013 when I was down with fever. I thought it’s just the normal seasonal fever which will get better with time. I took medicines and decided to take rest the whole day. But instead of getting better my condition was degrading. I had severe headache with body ache and high fever. Even after gulping down paracetamol tablets nothing happened. And as evening progressed I started shivering with cold. I was shocked to see myself shivering with cold in the hot and humid climate of Chennai. And with all this loss of appetite was the only thing left out. Somehow I managed to eat something but that something was very little, almost negligible. I had a slice of bread and a glass of glucose. I couldn’t eat anything more. My stomach was not ready to accept anything more than that. I took my medicine and tried to sleep but in vain. Sleep was nowhere in sight. My head was aching too much and I started sweating like a pig in a short while. Few minutes ago I was shivering with cold and now I was sweating. I was way too clueless about what was happening to me. Till 4:00am I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake and after a while somehow I managed to get some sleep. I woke up at around 7:30am my body was boiling with high temperature and I was sweating again. My t-shirt was drenched in my sweat. I brushed my teeth, had four biscuits with a glass of glucose. I took my medicines and went straight to my bed. I was feeling very weak due to not eating anything substantial in past 24 hours. I started feeling cold again. I tried sleeping but the body ache and shivering didn’t help much. And so I was lying on my bed from morning till evening in search of sleep which I didn’t get. But I was not in the condition to do anything else also. My weakness was increasing as time was passing by. I thought of visiting a doctor but then I thought I should wait for a day or two. In evening I got up from my bed and decided to go for a walk. But the moment I got up from my bed my head felt heavy and I almost fell down on my bed again. And after that I couldn’t muster up any courage to go out. I was lying on my bed like one lifeless soul. I tried eating something for my dinner but in vain. I couldn’t swallow anything. Four biscuits or two slices of bread was all that I use to have for my breakfast, lunch and dinner. And staying alone wasn’t helping either when it came to food. I was not in a condition to cook anything for myself and my brother did what he could. I took my medicines and again went back to sleep. I couldn’t sleep again till 4:00am in the morning, and after a while I slept for three hours. And at around 7:00am I woke up again. I was feeling hungry. I got up went straight into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of glucose. As I gulped down the glass of glucose I puked out everything. And whatever came out was only water. I puked my lungs out early in the morning and after that I felt better. I felt relieved from the pain I was going through all this while. I washed my face and I was feeling sleepy. I wanted to sleep. And I had a thought in my mind that when I will wake up I will be absolutely fine. With that thought I went back to sleep and immediately I fell asleep. But when I woke up after few hours my body was again boiling with temperature, my whole body was aching and I had severe headache. My head felt heavy and dizzy. I was hungry but I had 0% energy level to get up. I asked my brother to get me something. And he made an omelet for me. I had that with two slices of bread, took my medicines and after a lot of struggle I got some sleep. And when I woke up I started feeling cold yet again. Everyone suspected that I was suffering from malaria. My symptoms were same as that of malaria. And it’s been two days and my condition was the same. So I decided to get my blood test done. I went to a diagnostic center to get my blood test done. And I was shocked to see that I wasn’t even able to climb up few stairs. I was so weak that whenever I walked I was scared that I might fall down. Somehow I climbed up the stairs and the doctor did my blood test. He asked us to come after one hour to collect the reports. My brother insisted me on waiting there and having dinner outside. But my body exerted so much that I needed a bed to lie down. So I asked my brother to get the reports and something to eat in meanwhile I will go home. 

I took an auto and went back to my home while my brother decided to wait there. As soon as I reached home, I had a glass of glucose and I went straight to my bed. After a while my brother came with food. He brought chapatti and dal for me. He gave me two chapattis with dal. I was not at all in a mood to eat but I ate because I wanted to recover from whatever was this. My taste bud has died after gulping so many medicines. And the problem with people who knows how to cook food is that they can’t tolerate food with bad taste. For one they know that they can cook better so they don’t want to eat anything beyond that level. But I was not in a condition to do anything so I ate in silence. After a while tears started trickling down my cheek. The thought of eating such food always gives me Goosebumps. And when I was actually eating it and knowing the fact that I can’t help it either gave me a feeling of helplessness. I was feeling so helpless at that point of time that I needed someone to motivate me that I will get out of this phase very soon. I needed someone by my side at that moment, who can take care of my health. I needed someone to hold me while I walk. I needed someone to cook food for me. And in the light of that moment when I didn’t find anyone I was broke. I was in pain and it started pouring down my cheek. Somehow I finished those two chapattis only because I waned to recover from this phase. I took my medicine and was preparing to sleep when my brother came with the reports. The report said I was not infected with malaria virus and I felt light after hearing that. But I was advised to take one medicine which they give to the patients when there is a chance of getting infected from the malaria virus. And that tiny medicine turned my world upside down in the next 12 hours.

I took the tablet at midnight and after a while I drifted into deep sleep. I woke up again at around 12:30am, I started hallucinating. I was not dreaming I was hallucinating. Due to the high dosage of medicine and the negligible intake of food I started hallucinating things which I never experienced before in my life.  

I was in the Matrix movie with levels of devils may cry game crushed into it along with few scenes of star trek movie. It was violent and scary. I was drifting between the hallucinating world and the original world. In the original world I had a severe headache while in the virtual world or the hallucination world my mind was attacked by a virus and I was fighting to save myself. To save my mind I had to save Morpheus from the Matrix movie. It may sound stupid and funny but believe me it wasn’t. I have never had such scary and violent hallucinating experience ever in my life. I could feel it; I was hearing a voice whenever I came back to the original world. Everytime I came back I heard a voice which said if you want to live then you have to fight in the virtual world. I couldn’t believe what was happening with me. At first my subconscious mind thought it’s a dream. But whatever was happening was happening in my consciousness and that freaked me out. I was shit scared. It was horrifying, terrifying and the most violent night of my life. The hallucination ended around 3:48am in the morning and after that I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night…

72 hours were not over yet. It was morning of the third day and my condition was worsening with every day passing by. After the horrible night what happened the next day was a completely different story. The next day I started hallucinating again. Whole day I didn’t do anything. I was lying on my bed as usual. And at night I had my dinner and I went to sleep by 10:30pm. But I couldn’t sleep as usual. And I started talking with two people whom I have never ever seen in my life before but I thought they were lying on my bed by my side. I was into the conversation when I realized after half an hour that there was no one apart from me in the room and I was speaking on behalf of those two imaginary persons. I was hallucinating again. For a while I again thought that maybe I was dreaming but I was wide awake and I was talking to whom I don’t know. I was speaking on behalf of those two persons and myself thinking that they were lying beside me. I was scared again. What was happening to me was the only question which was circulating in my head. After a bit of struggle I finally managed to sleep. But I woke up again at 4:00am in the morning only to find myself hallucinating again. I got up, I felt suffocated. I went upstairs to the terrace to get some fresh air. And I don’t know how and why, I ended up crying my heart out on the terrace early in the morning. Never before in my life had I felt anything of this sort. In past three days what all I have suffered was the first time happening to me with that intensity. I never experienced hallucination though I was always curious to unveil more about it. But when it dawned upon me I was scared and I couldn’t handle it. To all the curious people out there I must tell you it does sound nice but when we get the reality check its quite harsh in actual. I started doubting that I might have lost my mental balance because of the hallucination. I was talking with myself, pretending to be in conversation with two imaginary people who doesn’t even exist and on the top of that I was speaking on their behalf. For the next one hour I kept on crying on the terrace. I couldn’t stop thinking what wrong deed have I done that I was suffering like this. It’s all the consequence of our karma that’s what they say. And I was in a dilemma that what wrong have I done that I was getting punished by the lord. I asked for forgiveness for all my sins, washed my face and went back to sleep. I decided that I will go to college the next day or else I will end up losing my mental balance if I stayed another day at home.

72 hours were over and it was the most torturous and scary time for me. I don’t know who will believe in it and who will not. I am not sure who will believe in the hallucination part, I am not sure how many people will take this seriously. Maybe they will think this as a stupid narration of few funny events. But only I know how I spent these 72 hours of my life. And one thing is there I will never forget these 72 hours of my life ever.

To be continued…

यही है परिवार की परिभाषा हरा भरा ये घर संसार ।।

I am very glad to share a poem written by my grandmother...

मैं आरा में रहती थी                                                                                                       

माता पिता चाचा चाची 

सब मिलकर रहती

कौन अपना कौन पराया 

नहीं समझती थी 

जब आरा में पढ़ती थी

जब घर पर आती थी 

छोटे छोटे भाई बहनों के 

कभी खिलौने कभी कपड़े लाती थी

खुशी खुशी उनें गले लगाती थी ।।

जब माँ पिताजी ने ब्याह रचाया 

ससुराल में भरा पूरा परिवार 

हरा भरा मेरा घर संसार

परिवार में सास ससुर दादी सास थी 

उनकी सेवा कर थक जाती थी 

कभी रूठना कभी  मनाना 

यही है परिवार की परिभाषा

हरा भरा ये घर संसार ।।

छोटी ननदें और छोटे देवर 

कभी रूठते कभी खुश होते

उन्हें पकड़ पकड़ कर लाती 

हॅंस  हॅंस कर दो बातें करती

पति पत्नी  से सजता है  परिवार 

छोटे छोटे बच्चों से सजता है घर  संसार

जब  घर में आते मेहमान 

सास ननद संग मिलकर स्वागत  करती 

कोई कमी नहीं छोड़ती 

कोई समझ नहीं पाता 

कैसा है यह परिवार निराला 

हरा भरा ये घर संसार

जब हम माँ  पिता बनें 

खुशी से झूम उठे 

घर में खुशियाँ छाई 

आगे बढ़ा मेरा परिवार 

हरा भरा मेरा घर संसार ।।

भगना- भगनी और अपने बच्चों  में 

कभी फर्क  नहीं समझती

सभी को अपने जैसा अपनाया

खूब खिलाया खूब पहनाया ।।

एक डाल के दो पहलू 

विभा और शैलजा 

विभा ने डाकटरी जमाई 

शादी रचाने के लिए कह कह कर थक जाती 

किसी की नहीं सुनती अपनी ही मनमानी करती 

माँ की व्यथा  नहीं समझती 

शैलजा कभी लटकती कभी मटकती 

कभी आसमान में प्लेन 

दिखा- दिखा कर खुश हो जाती 

कभी इला कभी इया कभी जया 

कभी  शैलजा पूकारती है 

ऐसी है मेरी गुड़िया रानी ।।

सभी छोटे बड़े लाड प्‍यार से 

शैलू-शैलू कह कर पूकारते हैं

जब शैलू  पड़ती बिमार

तन मन से उसकी सेवा में

सभी जूट जाते छोटे -बड़े तन मन से लग जाते

कोई नहीं समझ नहीं पाता 

कैसा है यह परिवार निराला 

हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा  ।।

कुशल गृहणी के हाथ में  

घर की बागडोर होती है 

एक डोर में रखती परिवार को बाँध कर 

अपना आँसू पोंछकर 

दूसरों के खुशी में  खुशी मनाती है 

यही है मेरे परिवार की परिभाषा

ऐसा है मेरा परिवार निराला 

हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा  ।।

जब हमने अपने बच्चों का ब्याह रचाया

बेटा बेटी बहू दामाद से

भर गया मेरा संसार 

नाती पोतों से भर गया मेरा घर द्वार

नानी नाना दादा दादी के गूँज से 

सज गया मेरा संसार 

नाती पोते मेरी बगिया के फूल हैं  

मेरा घर द्वार

ये मेरे बच्चे  दिल के सच्‍चे हैं 

यही है मेरे परिवार की परिभाषा

ऐसा है मेरा परिवार निराला 

हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा  ।।

परिवार के बड़े बुढ़ों का साया हो 

उसे कभी दुःख छू नहीं पाता

खुशी खुशी उनका जीवन कट जाता है 

शादी हो या पर्व -त्यौहार

खुशी खुशी काम में हाथ बटातें हैं 

उनके गले लग जाते हैं

जब परिवार में दुःख आता है 

एक दूसरे के कंधे पर अपना सिर रख कर 

अपना दुःख भूलाते  हैं 

हर चीज में गुण -अवगुण होता है 

यही है परिवार की परिभाषा 

ऐसा है मेरा परिवार निराला 

हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा  ।।

जब बच्चे परदेश जाते हैं 

उनके सास - ससुर 

माता - पिता खुशी मनाते हैं 

अपनी व्यथा को दिल में छुपाकर 

बच्चों के खुशी में अपनी खुशी मनाते हैं 

आजकल की दुनिया में

बच्चे बुढ़ें छोटे छोटे टुकडों में बँटें हुए हैं

यही है परिवार की परिभाषा  

ऐसा हैमेरा परिवार निराला 

हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा ।।

पति पत्नी  गाड़ी के दो पहिए हैं 

जैसे गाड़ी एक पहिए पर नहीं चलती

जीवन की गाड़ी भी बिन दोनों के

सहयोग से नहीं चलती 

कभी  लड़ते कभी झगड़ते हैं 

कभी मीठी मीठी बातें करते 

फिर खुशी से गले लग जाते हैं

यही है परिवार की परिभाषा  

ऐसा है मेरा परिवार निराला 

हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा ।।

बीबी जब पड़े बिमार 

आँखों में दो दो आँसू रोते हैं

कैसे चलेगा मेरा घर -संसार 

किसी से कुछ नहीं कहते हैं

मन को अपने समझाते हैं

अपने बिछाए जाल में खुद़ फँस जाते हैं

अपनी हार में अपनी जीत समझते हैं 

यही है परिवार की परिभाषा  

भरा पूरा मेरा परिवार

यही हमारा घर संसार

ऐसा है मेरा परिवार निराला  ।।

                          - Mrs. Radhika Verma

You Either Get Lost In The Crowd Or Emerge As A Winner…

In the walk of our life, often we get lost in the crowd. We all are born with great aspirations and dreams but very few of us get a chance to live our dream. The rest of them often give up the thought of chasing their own dream. Running around to fulfill others expectations, they seldom give a thought of fulfilling their needs and expectations. And so they live a life which doesn’t belong to them at all. Stucked in the responsibilities leads them to take up a job which never defines their potential and talent. And then those responsibilities soon turn into their needs, the need to earn money, to support their family and they end up spending a life full of regrets and complain. Soon enough they get married have few kids and then the dreams which they couldn’t conquer are now imposed on their children. They want to see their children to become what they always wanted to be. Instead of letting them to lead a life where they can discover their talents, utilize their potential, again the same cycle of fulfilling their expectations and needs are imposed on their children. What they couldn’t do, they want their children to do now. Again irrespective of what their children wants to do. This cycle keeps on repeating until one day someone takes a stand and goes against everyone’s will and end up doing what they wanted to do.

If someone wants to emerge as a winner from a crowd they all have to pay its price. People who walk away from the crowd are often left alone. The price that they have to pay in the quest of chasing their dream is often loneliness. Because they end up losing their loved ones quite often while walking the path that they have chosen for themselves. You might disappoint few, lose many but in the end when you will be there where you always wanted to be, and when you will look back from there then you will get an instant flashback of what people said about you when you stood for your dreams, who all left you in the mid-way, who double-crossed you for their selfishness, everything will come out alive then. You might not have anyone by your side then but the feeling of living up to your expectations is worth it. Now you will question yourself, what is the point of living such a dream when you don’t have people by your side to celebrate your victory? Your question is right but that doesn’t mean we should not chase our dream because we might have a chance of losing people. All such things should come secondary. If the person understands you well then he/she will never leave you alone. Always look after your priority, even if that makes you alone. Because it’s better to lead a life alone rather than spending your life in regrets. If you are alone, you don’t affect other’s lives. But if you have regrets then that may show up in the life of people around you. There is a thin line between being selfish and looking after your priority which seldom anyone’s understands, and when you try to differentiate between them then you come crashing down to earth instantly. All your efforts will go in vain and again you will have to start from the scratch. Sometimes just leave something the way it is, wait for the right time; time will heal all your wounds. All you have to make sure is that your karma was good. If your deed is right then surely you will reach where you see yourself.

If we think this way, everyone comes alone and they will leave alone. Whatever we do here is temporary. But in this temporary world are we all making the most of it, which should be our mindset. Even though at some point of time if you have to sacrifice something do it, if you have to go against someone’s ill to chase your dream go ahead but never ever think of spending a life full of regrets.

What you chose is what you become. So you either want to get lost in the crowd or emerge as a winner. The choice is always yours… 

Because Winners always stand alone...