Everything was fine until Life happened…

Four years of my college went by in a flash; every memory every moment is still fresh and vivid in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I still remember the day; I came to Chennai and joined my college. “I have to spend four years of my life here!” was my first thought. But soon the time picked up its pace and until we realized it we were already at the gate of our college. And in a coming few moths it will be all over. College life will be over. It’s like your phase from sixth grade till tenth grade, back in those times four years seemed like eternity and every day used to pass at snail’s pace. But as we grow older time picks up its pace and before we can even think of something else our life will take a serious turn where the criticality of any situation is damn too much and the complexity of life keeps on multiplying exponentially. And the best part, you can’t do anything about it.

Whenever I look into the mirror I have only one thought in my mind all the time.

“I was not so fucking complicated earlier…”

And believe it or not that’s the truth. With everyday passing by we are becoming more and more complicated; our life has become one riddle and all the time it feels as if something or the other is missing from our life. We are running behind something we know nothing about. It’s like being blindfolded still running the race. Hardly there are people who want to do something out of the box. Hardly there is someone who wants to come out of their comfort zone and chase down what they always dreamed about. And if someone does either they are suppressed by others or it becomes too hard for them to fight against all the odds which mostly end up in giving upon their dream. I get wrapped up in this fear quite often. “What if I get lost in this crowd too?”

We have only two choices in life, we can either choose to get lost in the crowd or emerge as a winner. And doesn’t matter how fucked up our life is or it becomes we do have a choice in every situation, even in the darkest of times all we need is a ray of light.

In these four years, three years of my life went off in enjoying the college life, making new friends, sleepless nights before exams, fear of the results, partying, working hard in college fests, volunteering for blood donation camps, organizing college trips, everything was going smoothly and then suddenly it dawned upon us. That we were in final year of our college and with that it was the start of the placement drive. It was something for which everyone was so eagerly waiting from a long time. And then for me, Life happened…

Rejections after rejections in past six months, I have not just tasted failure. I have played with it, and I have been living my life in stress all the time. Doesn’t matter how hard I try not to be so worked up about all this but the complexity of the situation doesn’t even allow me to have a sound sleep at all. And it has given me so many posts for my blog and I am tired of answering people’s question all the time. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who is struggling in this world. There are people in worst situations than me but still surviving. And I don’t compare myself with anyone either. Still who will make others understand that? People think that I think that I am the only one with so much of issues in life. I don’t even know how they can come up with something like this. But that’s what the world do, cook up a whole damn story for you and you don’t even have a slightest of clue when that happened. It’s true that if you check my blog posts of past few months all you will find is one depressing story, motivating at the same time.  

The story about an isolated guy who’s trying hard to make his place, his identity in the crowd so that one day he will shine and the road which have been looking so blurry lately will be cleared out soon one fine day, that day he will emerge as a winner out of this and overcome his fear of getting lost in the crowd.

“Everything was going fine until Life happened…” I reflected.

Dark times…

Dark times lie ahead

Hovering like clouds over my head

What wrong I did, I often reflect

They all say it’s your fate

Coz often you get things quite late

All you have to do is stay awake

Until you get that one call

And then you shall never fall

The only one thing that I pray

Waiting eagerly for that day

Break a leg or blow up your head

But make sure you get it before you are dead

We live among those hypocrites

Who knows to talk but never act?

They will make life hell if you dream

Whip you up like cream

I have befriended the darkness now

Tired of them today I take a vow

Soon I am gonna end this

That’s my only wish…

Wish I could become a kid all over again…

After sometime when the clock will tick 00:00, I will turn twenty three years old. Another amazing chapter of my life will get completed and a new chapter will begin. Every ending is the start of something new. I have come across many such people in my life so far who always say that they don’t believe in celebrating their birthday’s just because they think that one year from their life will get reduced and they are one step closer to their death. There’s always two ways of seeing things like how there are two sides of a coin, two faces of people and so on… but if you see this from a positive perspective then you have lived one more great year of your life, you have sailed through all those storms and danced to all those tunes of life so far successfully. As I always say, it’s our perspective to look at things which matters the most which makes you different from the crowd. However if I were granted a wish then I would love to become a kid all over again. I miss being a kid now, I miss all those pranks, all those fun and most importantly I miss being carefree about the world and do what I always wanted to do.

If I wanted to become superman all it required me to do was tie a towel around my neck and jump off the bed imagining that I was flying like him. That time everything seemed so simple there was no space for any logical explanations or practical possibilities in life over which we break our head now. Now if we got to do something we have got to think about it “N” numbers of times analyse all the possibilities, note down all the worst case scenarios and then end up saying, “I don’t think so this is practically possible.” Or “you are not being practical man.”

As we grow up, we are burdened with hell lot of responsibilities, expectations of people and most importantly fear. We are not grown-ups. We are a bunch of unsecured people who don’t have believe in their will and who do not want to take risks in life. Because we believe that might spoil our comfort zone. When we were a kid, all we wanted to do was to grow up so that we can put our dreams into reality, so that we can let our imagination fly and fly above the sky. Turn our fantasy into reality. Because back then everyone use to shut us up whenever we tried making our point saying, “you are just a kid what do you know about it?”

And as we grew up, the burden of responsibilities and living up to everyone’s expectation started putting us into a fix and we started living our life more in fear than the fantasy which once use to rule our mind all the time. As I will turn one more year older after sometime, I wish that I live my dream, which I have been knitting so meticulously since childhood and chase it until I have it in my life. I don’t want to turn into some grumpy man who always broods over things. Instead I want to fly above the sky and push myself quite hard until I reach my destination. And on that note I would like to quote,

”Don’t let that naughty kid inside you fade away from your life, that’s the only thing which brings you back into life…”

Happy birthday to me…

When I look back…I feel good!!!

I wanted to do this long back when that day arrived, when the clock ticked twelve and the whole world was busy celebrating the New Year in a hope that with this new beginning new hopes would arrive in their life. Since I was unavailable I couldn’t do what I always wanted to do. Blog about the entire year experience compiled in a nutshell and post it as soon as the clock ticked 00:00.

When I look back today, the year 2013 has been the most exciting year of my life so far in which I had experienced a lot of things which in some way has made me a good human being, changed the course of my life and gave a new perspective to look at life. When the year 2013 started, that time I was busy expanding our online magazine Wake India Now (WIN). We wanted to reach out to as many people as we could and hopefully to a certain extent we succeeded in achieving that. I had experienced the thrill of life in the entire year whether it was chilling out with friends in places like Goa, Pondi, Bangalore or getting rejections after rejections in all the interviews I went in. When all my hopes was lost somewhere, deep within I knew that sooner or later I am going to make it. It is just a matter of time. I received over ten rejection letters from different publishing houses where I had sent my book for getting published. It took me almost three and a half years to complete that book and in one stroke it felt like as if my whole effort was going into vain. And then suddenly on one fine evening in the month of February the sun winked at me and I got a green signal from one such publishing house who were actually glad with my work and wanted to work with me on my book. However I was asked to wait and whole year went by in the wait, the wait for the final confirmation, the wait for that one mail saying we would like to publish your book. However the wait is still on and I hope that day will arrive very soon in my life when I will have what I always dreamt of. 

Life is unpredictable and it was throughout the year 2013. Whenever I thought that now things were falling back to its right places, always it was erupted by the truth of life leaving my hopes in despair. Every day was passed thinking when this phase will get over when I will see the shinning bright sun, when life will surprise me with its surprises when I will see the light in the end of this endless tunnel. From feeling loved to be left isolated, from being angry to jumping out of joy over small small things, I have experienced almost every feeling existing in this world. And now when the year 2013 is over, I feel glad about it. I feel glad about all those happiness that came into my life, be it small or big. About all those tough times when I was sailing through the rough sea standing tall in front of every storm and getting up every time after being fallen. Moreover the fact that I had spent one more year of my life chasing my dreams gives me the immense feeling of satisfaction and happiness.

I feel glad about every little mad thing I did. I feel glad about all those meetings with people whom I came across. I feel glad about all the decisions that I made which somehow brought my life to a right path and a step closer to my destination. And whatever bad happened should be left from the past and making sure that we learnt from it, learnt about those mistakes that we committed hoping won’t be repeating in future.

And with that hope I would like to share a very nice quote which says,

“Enjoy your youth. You will never be this young again ever in your life. So sit back, relax and take a deep breathe…”

Am I lost? Or it’s just a feeling…

Sometimes in life, there comes a point where you have no idea what have you been doing your entire life so far. You go blank for a moment which makes you doubtful for whatever you have been trying to do. Although sitting amidst of everyone, you feel lonely. You feel as if time is picking up the pace and somewhere down the line you are losing the grip. But was it even present before when you screwed up? If it was, then how come you landed yourself up in a deep shit like this? How you ended up losing the grip which once use to direct the boat of your life towards something new. Why there is always a bad feeling about everything? Why life seems to be more complex than usual? Where I look these days all I find is close doors, and if few doors are open they get closed when I reach them. And now I realize how tough it gets for you when you want to make your identity among the crowd. And I know how those people must have felt exactly while they were going through such phase. They all say when this will end you will come out with flying colors. But it is easy to say so, tougher it gets when you have to live it every second of your life.

As the New Year begins, it brings in a lot of hope and happiness for everyone. I am still waiting for mine to arrive at my door. Although after facing so much, I have been strong all the time. I have not just faced failure; I have tasted it all this while. Even after reaching so close at one point, it felt as if I will never make it there. I am still far away from it. I have accepted every rejection of mine with a smile on my face and optimism in my heart that if not this then may be the next. But after all this while I am still standing there. However a lot of things have happened and changed lately in my life which has affected every aspect of my life in every possible way. But still I have never shown that little frown on my face ever. I still stand tall in front of the storm that I am facing right now hoping it would end soon and I hope to see a bright light in the end of this tunnel soon. And with that hope I get up every morning and in that hope I go to bed every night. But at some moment like this, I start feeling that I am lost somewhere. 

Though you exist there physically but your mind is not. It is indulged in some deep complex chain of thoughts which gets multiplied exponentially in a series of chain of thoughts and you start drowning in those thoughts. And you feel suffocated, you feel choked and all you want to do is scream your lungs out, bang the bottle kept next to you in the mirror, break those wall and set yourself free from this cage, from this prison of disappointment and failure.

I don’t know whether it makes senses or not. Sometimes it’s better to pour out your heart instead of thinking about the sense that it may make or not. One should write when that urge comes from within to jot down your thoughts, pour out your heart out. It’s like you sing out your miseries, your worries, your pain still it sounds nice. But it may not be any nicer to experience it. On a lighter note, I am just trying to figure it out whether I am really lost somewhere or it is just some random feeling…

It’s Their Right, Don’t Take It Away!!!

To the entire world we are known as hypocrites. A country where they will talk about a lot of things, but when the time comes to take a stand over it, to exercise those things then we always tend to back out. And to avoid it, we will back it up by connecting the religious part of our culture and irrelevant logics. Four years ago when the Delhi High Court passed its judgment over the Gay Sex issue, by making it legal it certainly won people’s heart. But when yesterday the Supreme Court changed the whole dynamics in the court of law by decriminalization of Homosexuality, expected celebration turned into dejection. Under the Act of 377, it is now a punishable offence, if offended by a person of any age, religion; community will be proven guilty in the court of law and will be given life sentence as its punishment.

They quoted homosexuality as something which is inhuman and unnatural. Now just tell me one thing, who on earth are we to decide whether Homosexuality is an inhuman and unnatural act or not? And if they have their right to question the creation of God then where their conscience went when girls were being raped every now and then, in the most inhuman and unnatural way? Who gave then the rights to pass such kind of judgment that if any juvenile has been accused of rape charges then it is not a punishable offence in the court of law?

Homosexuality is not something which people chose after growing up; they are born in a particular way which defines them. And if we call India as a democratic country then in democracy no one has the right to question anyone with whom they want to be with and with whom they want to have sex. It is a black era for democracy (if at all that exist anymore). It’s an individual’s right according to the constitution of India, which allows us to live freely in whichever way we want and with whomsoever we want.

Having said that, four years ago when Gay Sex was made legal, it opened up the doors for medical science to explore a whole new level in their field, but after this judgment given by the Supreme Court, it has not only abolished the Human Rights but also it has closed the doors for the medical science to evolve beyond our imagination. This has taken us 200 years back again. And if that’s the case then tear apart the book of Kamasutra and demolish the temples of khujaraho which depicts the same sex love as well. Till when we will shy away from such issues which is life for over 7-8% of the country’s population. What is the harm in giving them their rights to love and marry? If your son is gay then why can’t you accept him in the way he is? After all he was born this way, what was his mistake if he is a gay? Why we want them to be ashamed of themselves? Why we want to make their life living hell? Why we want them to live their entire life in a closet? Why can’t we think in a more matured way? Who is Supreme Court to decide people’s personal choice???

If a person is gay, put them in jail. But the people who all are eating our nation, who all are corrupted can live freely. Obviously this has invoked a new revolution, to stand united and fight against the rights of our friends. Lifetime imprisonment for loving someone is not justified at any cost. 

And as Pope Francis has quoted, “if a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge him?” How can you make this issue as a crime?

And if we look at the history, evolution has been the major things happening around in our world, in nature. If that would not have happened then no human race would ever existed in this world because even we are evolved from Apes. Change is the law of nature, to balance the world we have to change us with time. And this is the time to appeal against the judgment of the Supreme Court, stand united for their rights and bring a change in our society which let everyone live in the way they want without any fear, harassment and violation of Human Rights. I hope to see, the new world again. I hope to see Supreme Court taking its judgment back. I hope to see when Homosexuality is not a crime anymore and it has been accepted by every one of us. . I hope to see people of my country waking up from their deepest of slumbers and act against what is going wrong. Because someday we have to accept that it’s not in our hand to hold someone’s life and respect the creation of nature.

One day I will shine!

It’s been almost four months of struggle where I am trying hard to get placed in some good company. But every time something or the other goes wrong for me. In my case, I think it’s my marks. Every time in every interview everything goes pretty well until they come to a point, why you have such low grades? And then everything goes wrong from that point of time. Why people don’t understand one simple thing it’s not about the marks all the time, it’s about the potential that anyone has; it’s about what someone is capable of. But who cares, that’s how the hierarchical level of our society is, if your marks are good even though you don’t have knowledge or other quality which completes you as a person, even then you are on the top. But if you lack just one thing and that’s good marks in your academics then you are no one. I hope someday the mentality of people along with the system should change. I know so many people who do not have good grades but they are capable of doing such things which the university toppers can’t do it, but they are being ignored. I feel bad, I feel sorry, and I feel miserable.

But when I look back, to the stories of all those people who are now legends. Every one of them had something similar in them. They all were ignored by the people, by the society. But when they shined they changed the whole dynamics of every field they went into. And that’s when I feel good, I feel content and I feel optimistic. I have seen so many ups and downs in my life till now but every time something bad happens with me, I have to get up and fight. And I did, every time I did fight against all the odds and came out with flying colors. It’s something which has become a trait in my life that until my life is in dumps I never get up and change things for good. And again the situation is similar now. The situation is demanding me to get up and fight. And I am fighting. But somewhere down the line there is only one thing which is going wrong for me, is that I am being judged on the basis of my marks. I know that’s very usual but not every time it should happen. Because even elastics have a breaking point. You can’t stretch something to that extent and expect it will never break. Everything has a breaking point. But who understands that. No one seems to care what all I am going through. People commit mistakes and so I did. Does that change everything? Does it make things so worse?

I am tired of fighting again and again. I can’t get proper sleep; I don’t have a peace of mind. And I am angry all the time. I don’t with whom I am just angry all the time. Sometimes how I wished, why can’t I get things so easily? I have known so many people who got everything in their life without much of all the fighting and surviving. They are just too lucky. Why I can’t be lucky at least some time in my life?

But one day I will shine too. And when that happens, the world will have a new story to tell, a new personality to motivate and a new perspective to look at. Till then I know I have just one thing to do and that is fighting against the situation.

As they say, “When things starts going wrong for you, it will become worse. And wait until it becomes worse, because you will never shine as a diamond if things were easy for you.”

Don’t think. Just do!

Yesterday I was browsing Facebook as usual when I came across a link, which had a ten minute talk given by Varun Agarwal (co-founder of Alma Mater and an Author). I plugged my headphones in and listened to what he had to say for the other ten minutes. And by the time his talk was over I could reflect on his words. He said when you think too much you end up analyzing the pros and cons of the specific situation and most of the times you don’t go for it. But when you don’t think about something and just jump into the pool of something you want to do, without giving it a thought what would be the consequences and where that may lead you to, in those cases you come out with flying colors. You conquer what you never thought you could.

Hold on for a minute and just rewind your tape of life. And analyze. Every time you ended up doing something without thinking, wasn’t it was worth it? And same for those things which you did after spending a lot of time thinking about it and also those things which you didn’t even try after thinking too much for it. Life is too short for those who wanna do something big. If you don’t have big plans for your life and you just want to live like how everyone else are living then this will never bother you actually. But if you are a man who has got some plan, then never ever give up.

More than 70% of the people in this world don’t really know what they wanna do with their life. You should be happy that you have realized the fact that you have a dream. That’s the first and most important step. Once you take the first step, you know what you really want in life. And then you just have to follow a path. It’s true the path will be full of obstacles, fate won’t be in your favor, everyone will try to knock you down but you have to keep on walking. Doesn’t matter whether the path is full of thorns or flames you just have to walk through it. Face whatever comes your way, taste the series of failures you will hit on to, tolerate the pain that will come your way in such a way that after a while you start loving that pain. And when you succeed in doing so, victory will be yours.

Because as they say, it’s not about how hard you are hit, it’s about how hard you get hit but you keep on walking. Life isn’t a bed of roses anyway, whether you start now, don’t give up on your dream or else do what everyone wants you to do so that later on in life when you will be at the door of your death you won’t die in peace because you will have that one regret in life that you couldn’t follow your dreams. You may end up making loads of money but internal happiness will never be there. Money is everything but inner peace is something which it can never buy. There are chances that you may end up losing many people from your life in the course of living your own dream but when that happens just think this way that in order to get something in life you always have to pay its price. It’s not about the courage to walk on that path; it’s about the will to sacrifice all those precious things from your life which use to hold a great meaning in your life. You will be always alone when you decide to follow your dreams and in that journey if someone is there for you then always remember they are the only ones who really want you to do something.

This world is made by us. You have to plant your own seed, nurture it well so that one day it will also give you the fruit for which you have been waiting for. People give up on their dream in most of the cases and they never knew that they were just one step behind their dream. If they could have just taken that one big step then they would have achieved what they always wanted. Most of the time, people start their journey in the search of their own dream and on their way they fall in love with someone. And they think they love that person so much that they can give up on their dream so that they can marry each other. I mean seriously? You will give up on something so easily. How you can forget those days when all you use to do was meticulously knit your dream. And after spending so much of time on something you give up on them and that too for someone who just came into your life. C’mon this is not how it should be like. People say love is not everyone’s cup of tea. True that. But let me tell you something. Nothing is bigger than following your own dream. You need guts you take that path where you know odds will be against you but you know you will face it. You need will power to sacrifice those things which everyone will be getting initially and you will be struggling with your life. You need to be strong, more of mentally because you may be ditched by many, you may be left alone, you may get isolated but you have to face it. That’s something which is way bigger than anything in this life. And if that person really loves you then he/she will never leave you. Instead they will wait for you, for that day when you will come back after conquering what you always wanted to conquer. And that day you will have both things in your life – Money as well as inner peace.

Have faith and Follow your dreams. Because that’s something which is yours.

Every time I come close...

  

Every time I come close

I am knocked down on the ground

My fate or my grade, maybe a reason

That’s one thing, I could never find out

They all say you are too good

But still I am hanging in the queue

Who knows where this life would lead me too

Coz I am too shattered now to face the truth

I am too frustrated to move ahead now

And they want me to smile and say wow!

Rejection after rejection has made me hollow

And they all say you gotta move on with no sorrow

Its getting hard for me to even smile

I am emotionally drained

Don’t know when I might cry

I smile to hide my pain

To avoid several questions and the shame

Who cares what I am going through

Coz its always what they want

Tell me one reason, where I went wrong

Maybe my reason, to write this song

I am longing to taste the flavor of success

Coz I am too bored now playing with my failures

Dark clouds are all over my head

No clue what I’m gonna do next

I don’t know when the shinning sun will shine

I don’t know when again things will be fine

It’s the phase of struggle

Which never ends

Suffering is making me weak

Every now and then it cant be me

It’s the phase of struggle

Which never ends...

Like a flowing river…

Sometimes life surprises us when we don’t expect things to happen. And same was the case when I saw her on the beach. Out of the blue, she just appeared in front of my eyes. The waves kissing her feet, wind playing with her hair which was covering a part of her beautiful face was an exotic scene to watch. She seemed annoyed by the wind which every time played with the curl strand of her hair and made it come over her face. But she was enjoying playing with the waves. I was sitting at a distance and at that moment for me the people, the majestic sea, the wind, the blue sky, the cloud, the whole world ceased to exist. All I could see was a pretty face with mesmerizing pair of eyes in which I was completely lost now. In front of her rosy lips even the rose would itself feel shy. It was not like she was the only one beautiful girl on earth, but still there was something about her which was attracting me towards her, something which filled the space in my heart. With every blink of her eye my heart skipped a beat. I have never noticed anyone so carefully, so elegantly before and it was quite late when I realized that I was gazing at her like a stupid. She saw me gazing at her many times but I was in my own world of fantasy. Though I felt like an idiot there but when she passed a smile to me I was on cloud nine. I could see stars in broad daylight, violins playing in the background and music that the wave gave made a perfect evening for us. Her kohl lined eyes and the lively smile pumped my heart with feelings that I have never felt in past few years. She was like an angel who appeared out of nowhere and then everything ceased to exist. It was hard to describe her, someone who was so perfectly carved by its creator. It seemed as if she was the most loving creation of the creator. I tried not to gaze at her but I couldn’t resist.

And I was so lost in her that I didn’t even realize when she was standing right in front of my eyes. And when I realized that I tell you, I was really embarrassed.

“Why you have been staring at me?” she asked me

Her voice was sweeter than honey. My heart beat grew even faster now and I was at a loss of words.

“Hello!!!!” she said again

“Because I have never seen anyone like you before in my life.” I said

And she smiled. I knew one thing for a fact that she was on cloud nine already. But I was not trying to impress her. True it was that I never saw anyone so beautiful, so lively ever in my life. With every second passing by I was getting drowned in the ocean of her eyes. In the vicinity of her aura my heart skipped a beat every time she blinked.

“Who are you?” she asked me

“I am someone who has just fallen for you…” I said

And now she was blushing, her cheek was blood red. I don’t know how it was happening but such lines were coming out of my mouth on its own. I was not even nervous now.

She was like a flowing river, so elegant, so beautiful, and so lively that I wanted to keep her in my heart forever.

“Hiii, I am Angel.” She said

I opened my eyes and I saw a beautiful sunrise from the window of my room. I got up from my bed, “it was a dream” I reflected!